Wish You Were Here

Three weeks old today! I know she looks kind of grumpy in this picture, but she was just resisting her afternoon nap. Now she's slumbering away peacefully.

Michaela has brought so much joy, and so much change, into my life since her birth three weeks ago. Life as I once knew it is no more. Now it's all about her, and that's actually a welcome diversion from the way my life has been since Michael went home. That's not to say that she has replaced her father in my life or my heart, but she has filled part of the void that was left when he had to go.

Even so, there's not a day that goes by where I don't have this strong sense that he should be here. He really should. At least that's how my heart feels. Everything that Michaela is and has brought into my life should be something that Michael and I are experiencing together.

I should be able to see the look of love and devotion on his face while he holds her and tends to her.

I should be entertained by his choice of nicknames for her.

I should be able to hear him say her name.

I should be changing half as many diapers, and getting up half as many times in the night with her.

I should be able to eat my dinner while he holds her, and vice versa.

And so on...

And then there's everything that Michaela will not experience with him, as well. He was so good with children. He would have been such a loving and fun daddy. Why did he have to take so long to realize what was important in life? He missed out on the very best thing, and we're missing out on so much because he's not here.

Anyway, I've just found myself mourning what can never be in this lifetime for our little family. But it's something I need to process and come to terms with - in time. That's the thing about grief. There's always the chance that something new (or old) will bring up grief-related issues that need to be felt deeply and thought about carefully. This is just one of those things.

A New Opportunity!

I have been wanting a change at work for several years now. Admittedly, I haven't worked much in the last year due to Michael's illness, then his death, and most recently my pregnancy complications. Nevertheless, after being at the same school location and in the same grade level for twelve of thirteen years, I have been ready for something new.

Then, sadly, there was a lot of controversy amongst the parent community and my colleagues regarding my need to be out on medical leave this year. When I left in February, I felt like a pariah. It was awful. So, I was dreading my eventual return, and had put in yet another transfer request for the coming school year. The trouble was that just as interviews throughout the district were being scheduled, I was having a baby! I had some anxiety about what would be, but then a couple weeks ago I just prayed about it and asked that the Lord would either change my circumstances, or give me what I'd need to venture back into that environment when the time came.

He is faithful and good all the time!

Last Thursday, my phone rang and the Caller ID showed that it was coming from my school district. However, I thought it was my current principal, and I really didn't want to talk to her because I'd heard that she had not honored my request for a grade-level change once again. As it turned out, it wasn't my principal. It was the director of human resources, and she was calling to offer me a position at another school in the district! Granted, it is for the same grade level I've been teaching forever, but the opportunity to be in a new environment with new colleagues was just too wonderful to pass up. I gladly accepted the position. I even told her it was an answer to prayer! It really is.

Now I can enjoy the rest of my time off without worrying about what's to come in September. What a blessing!

Getting Into Our Groove

We have managed all week without any overnight help! I feel like this is a huge accomplishment for me. Now that Michaela is well-fed, she will sleep three or four hours at a time during the night, and this makes the whole overnight thing doable for me. I'm actually getting more sleep, and better quality sleep, than I did when I was pregnant.

During the day, it's a little more challenging. The more she is awake, the harder it is for me to do much more than mix up formula, wash bottles, feed her, and change diapers. I'm not complaining, though. Still need to figure out how to get a shower every day. The showers I had this week were when a family member was here to help during the day.

I had my two-week check at the OB on Wednesday, and I was happy to learn that I'm already down twenty-four pounds from my highest pregnancy weigh-in! And, I'm happy to say that my edema is history. My feet and ankles are no longer painfully swollen. I'll be able to wear cute shoes again. Yea!

Michaela also saw her doctor this week. She gained just three ounces, but she has grown an inch since her birthday. The pediatrician was not concerned about her slow weight gain, and we don't have to return for another visit until her two-month appointment. Yea!

She is just such a good baby - mellow like her sweet daddy (unless she has a wet diaper!). I am simply enchanted with her. Here she is earlier today: