Was living happily ever after with the love of my life until disaster struck in the form of kidney cancer. Michael went home to be with the Lord in March 2010. Since then I've been incredibly blessed with the birth of our beautiful daughter, Michaela Grace. Thank you, Jesus! Losing Michael was the worst thing I can imagine happening to me, but I have an Eternal perspective and I know I will see him again in a "better country". My greatest parenting goal is to lead my daughter to the Lord.
I'm still trusting the Lord even though I cannot make much sense of what just happened. I still believe the promise of Romans 8:28 that God "works all things together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose" (that's me!). But, it's hard. Things changed so quickly. And then they changed so quickly again. I am not able to make sense of it all. I came across this Kari Jobe song while trying to put this post together. I know I've been using a lot of lyrics and videos on the blog in the last few months, but music says so much when I'm not sure how or what to say. In the midst of my confusion and pain, the Lord is here, He is real, and I know I can trust Him. He will steady my heart.
The past week was not easy. I felt like I was in a fog. I couldn't think straight, and I had a hard time remembering little things - like taking my lunch to school. I think the fog is lifting now. I have spent a lot of time reading about some of the things that caused me to walk away from my engagement, and that has given me greater clarity. I know who I am in Christ, and so I refuse to give up the freedom I have in Him (by grace through faith) for a counterfeit gospel and religion. Jesus fulfilled the demands of the law when He died for us on Calvary! I cannot add to that. The Bible says that my works are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6), and that I cannot earn my salvation (Ephesians 2:8-9). It's so simple. Why do people try to make it complicated?! In my reading, I came across references to the third chapter of Galatians:
Justification by Faith
3 O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth,[a] before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you[b] as crucified? 2 This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?4 Have you suffered so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain?
5 Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you, does He do it by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?— 6 just as Abraham “believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.”[c]7 Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of Abraham. 8 And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, preached the gospel to Abraham beforehand, saying,“In you all the nations shall be blessed.”[d]9 So then those who are of faith are blessed with believing Abraham.
The Law Brings a Curse
10 For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse; for it is written, “Cursediseveryone who does not continue in all things which are written in the book of the law, to do them.”[e]11 But that no one is justified by the law in the sight of God is evident, for “the just shall live by faith.”[f]12 Yet the law is not of faith, but “the man who does them shall live by them.”[g]
13 Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us (for it is written,“Cursediseveryone who hangs on a tree”[h]),14 that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.
The Changeless Promise
15 Brethren, I speak in the manner of men: Though it is only a man’s covenant, yet if it is confirmed, no one annuls or adds to it. 16 Now to Abraham and his Seed were the promises made. He does not say, “And to seeds,” as of many, but as of one, “And to your Seed,”[i] who is Christ. 17 And this I say, that the law, which was four hundred and thirty years later, cannot annul the covenant that was confirmed before by God in Christ,[j] that it should make the promise of no effect. 18 For if the inheritance is of the law, it isno longer of promise; but God gave it to Abraham by promise.
Purpose of the Law
19 What purpose then does the law serve? It was added because of transgressions, till the Seed should come to whom the promise was made; and it was appointed through angels by the hand of a mediator.20 Now a mediator does not mediate for one only, but God is one.
21 Is the law then against the promises of God? Certainly not! For if there had been a law given which could have given life, truly righteousness would have been by the law. 22 But the Scripture has confined all under sin, that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe. 23 But before faith came, we were kept under guard by the law, kept for the faith which would afterward be revealed.24 Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. 25 But after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.
Sons and Heirs
26 For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. 27 For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29 And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
And there's more - more scriptural knowledge I've gained in my reading in the last few days. But, if I say much more, then I'm going to say too much. I know I haven't been clear on the blog about my differences with my ex-fiance, and that is out of respect for his privacy, but I want you to know that scripture is all I need to know that I've done the right thing. The Lord does not contradict himself in His Word. He is not a liar. I'm no apologist, but I trust the Holy Spirit to illuminate scripture for me and make it possible for me to discern the truth. Furthermore, I have peace about my decision. We were unequally yoked theologically.
Going forward, if it's the Lord's will, I desire to have a Christ-centered marriage (with someone else, obviously!) where we both seek to serve one another in love.
"'Most of the trouble in life comes from misunderstanding, I think,' said Anne." ~ L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island
Indeed. I am trying to figure out how I misunderstood so much. How could the same words mean very different things to two people? I have a bachelors degree in communication. You'd think I'd understand this better. I can't wait until I can stop thinking about it. Sigh...
Mark and I came to the end of our road today. It became apparent to us both that I am not what he needs in a partner to be happy. Out of respect for him and his family, I will not say much more about it here. Suffice it to say that while I can't fully understand where I find myself right now, I do know that the Lord is still worthy of my trust. All day long, I have been filled with thanksgiving for how He helped me see things now instead of later. I've also been sad and disappointed that the new life I hoped to share with Mark can't be. However, the tears I've cried last night and today have been for Michael. As I faced the hardest part of this journey, it was his arms I longed for. His understanding heart for me. Michael was not perfect, but he knew me, understood me, and trusted me. He loved me unconditionally. I can still hear him saying, "I will love you forever, Honey." I want to be loved like that once again, if it's possible.
Okay, first off, I must say that planning a wedding just six years after I planned my first wedding is kind of surreal. I keep having this feeling like I just did this. Nevertheless, I am as excited as any bride could be. Mark is everything I've hoped for and prayed for. He is so good to me. I'm very much in love with him, and I really wish our wedding wasn't 15 weeks from now. Just seems like a long time. Sigh... Anyway, today my sister and my mom went with me to shop for a dress. I chose to go to one of those big chain stores because I didn't want to spend a lot of money. It's not that it's my second wedding, either. It's that I'm going to wear this lovely thing once. Know what I mean? So, the very first dress I tried on was gorgeous and very flattering. I really thought it was the one. Turned out it wasn't, but as I was standing there feeling beautiful (and incredibly blessed) Sting's song Brand New Day came on the PA. That song was special to Michael and me. It was the recessional music at our wedding ceremony, and I had "Brand New Day" engraved on the inside of his wedding band. I told my mom and Julie what I was thinking, and we all shed a few tears. It just seemed like it was a little message from him to me, and it was very timely. This is my brand new day - a brand new life.
I think I tried on another three or four dresses before I did find the one. All the dresses in between were so pretty, but they just didn't make me feel as pretty as I did when I tried on the last dress. I'm not going to describe it here because I don't want to spoil it for Mark, but it's stunning. I really wanted something very different from my first wedding dress, and I have found it. I feel like choosing my dress and all the things that go with it - shoes, jewelry, the bouquet, my hairstyle, and makeup - aren't about me, although they are an expression of my personal style. My desire is to present myself to Mark on our wedding day, and take his breath away. To bring him joy in seeing me as his bride. I can hardly wait for that moment when he first sees me, and all the moments after that.
It is a sweet thing that we serve a dissatisfied God who has destinations in mind for us that we would never choose for ourselves. It really is a good thing that he will not be satisfied until he has gotten us exactly where he created us and re-created us to be. Most of us would have been satisfied to stay at home, and many of us would have quit the journey long before it was completed. But our heavenly Father won't give up until each one of his children has completed the journey. ~ Paul David Tripp I started this journey with my One Word in January. At that time, I was trusting the Lord with my desire to remarry, and our situation with the Social Security Administration. Well, you can read the post below to see how the Lord has been moving in my life! He has sent me a wonderful, godly man to be my husband and to be Michaela's father. I am overwhelmed by His goodness to me. As for the SSA, still no word. Still trusting the Lord with this outcome, and hoping for it to be resolved in our favor. Now I must trust Him with all of the ripple effects my answered prayer has created. In the next sixteen weeks, I have much to do. I must:
Plan a wedding and reception
Plan a honeymoon and "familymoon"
Prepare my home for sale, get it listed, sell it
Go through my belongings and decide what to take with me into my new life, and what to leave behind
Finish my seventeenth and final school year as a public school teacher
Travel back to Massachusetts to spend time with Mark and the kids, and so that we can have some premarital counseling
I'm probably leaving something off of the list, and those are pretty broad statements. There's a lot to each one! Sigh... From here on out I've got to trust the Lord to work through all of these situations and make it possible for them all to be completed in this short amount of time. He is able. Me, not so much. I will need to lean on Him to give me the strength to do the work and presence of mind to remember all that needs doing. I know he's already putting people in place to help. My mom has been a great help with the "familymoon" planning, and Michael's brother Stephen has offered to help with the sorting and donating process. My sister is willing to help with the wedding planning. Mark and the kids will be here in a couple of weeks, and I may put them to work, too. We'll see... I'd rather just have fun with them! Anyway, it's a joy to have such a wonderful thing to trust the Lord with at this point. I have trusted him through infertility, cancer, grief, a difficult pregnancy, and single motherhood. Surely, He can see me through this short season of planning and preparing.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For you are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
How many times have you heard Psalm 23 at a funeral? I always thought it was for the dying. That even though one might find themselves on death's door, the Lord was with them and He would be with them until they joined Him on the other side. I still think it's for the dying, but I think it's also for the living. After Michael went Home, I found myself in the "valley of the shadow of death". My beloved had died to this world, and I was left here to carry on without him. It was hard, lonely, and painful. But the Lord was faithful to me in my grief. He showed me things I probably would not have been able to see if I hadn't found myself in that valley. Then He blessed me with Michaela, and she is an amazing baby. She could not be any more beautiful, or smart, or funny. I think she's just perfect.
My cup runneth over.
Really.
Under the circumstances what more could I ask for? The Lord had already done so much for me in giving me Michaela.
Nevertheless, I found myself petitioning Him again for big things.
I prayed for a husband.
I prayed that if it was the Lord's will to send me a husband, that he would be a provider, a protector, and the spiritual leader in our relationship.
I prayed on that for a while, and by a while I mean for months.
Then my heart became burdened for the time I had to spend away from Michaela while I worked. I was missing out on things and she cried when I left her in the morning, even though I was usually leaving her with her grandparents.
So I prayed that the Lord would send me a provider, protector, spiritual leader, and that this husband would see the value in having me be a stay-at-home mother and that he would allow me to homeschool Michaela.
I may have articulated these desires to family members or friends a time or two, and they probably thought I was nuts. I mean, after all, I am in my mid-forties. Most men my age are done raising their children. Who was going to want me and my toddler?
I kept praying.
In the meantime, I'd joined a Christian online dating site. I wasn't having much success, but I decided to leave my profile there. I thought it might be possible for the Lord to use that means to bring the right guy into my life. I got lots of attention, but most of the time I didn't respond. I didn't see the qualities I was praying for in those guys. And, sometimes, they didn't have "good names" - names that did not appeal to my sense of aesthetics. Kind of shallow, I know...
So, I prayed about that, too. It kind of went like this:
"Lord, I don't see myself with a "so-and-so". Michael had a nice name. I liked saying Michael. I need someone with a nice name. (pause) Like, Mark. Mark is a nice name."
When I turned forty-five in December, I was feeling low about my single status, and I was wondering if being single was what the Lord had for me for another year. I was downhearted, for sure.
Then, on December 31st, I heard from a Mark in Massachusetts. He was widowed, too. His was a really sincere email. I responded to it. Funny, but I didn't realize that his name was Mark at first. I knew his name was Mark, but I didn't put it together with my silly prayer for at least a couple of weeks. I just liked his email, and I thought we would have our losses in common. We did.
Lots of emails back and forth.
Then a few Skype dates.
Then he retreated. I was sad because I was pretty sure he was the one.
Then he had a change of heart and he came to visit me.
All along God was working in our hearts and showing us how we uniquely compliment one another with our shared faith, and values. We are like-minded in many, many ways. I couldn't have imagined that there would be another man with whom I could so easily be myself and communicate with on a deep level, but Mark is that man.
Over my Spring Break, Michaela and I went to Massachusetts to spend time with Mark and his children. We had a wonderful time. Mark and I talked about lots of things, and God kept working on our hearts.
By the end of the week, we'd fallen in love and decided to marry. It is obvious to us that the Lord has brought us together.
Our families (including Mark's children) are very happy for us.
We'll be married on August third.
After a lovely honeymoon we're planning in Hawai'i, we'll return to Massachusetts to begin our new life together.
I'll be a stay-at-home mom.
I'll homeschool all four of my children.
God is so good. This is all Him. I keep saying that it's a "God thing", and it really is! I love you, Mark, and I can't wait to be your wife.
