Merry Christmas!

From our hearts to yours, prayers for a blessed and meaningful Christmas for you all!

God grant you the light in Christmas, which is faith;
the warmth of Christmas, which is love;
the radiance of Christmas, which is purity;
the righteousness of Christmas, which is justice;
the belief in Christmas, which is truth;
the all of Christmas, which is Christ.
--Wilda English

Christmas Day is Almost Here!

It has been a very busy week around here! I was able to get out for a full day of shopping on Monday while Michaela stayed home with Elizabeth. After not really being able to enjoy Christmastime since 2008 (before we knew Michael had cancer), it has been refreshing to focus on the blessings of the present and not the disappointments and heartaches of the recent past. With a baby it is hard to do it all, but I have done enough, I do believe.

Yesterday I celebrated my 44th birthday. I don't really mind being my age, but I do wish I were younger so that having more children could be an option at some point. That is my only problem with being 44. I celebrated the day by leaving Michaela with my parents for a little while and taking myself for a manicure and a pedicure. What used to be a regular way to pamper myself has become a once-in-a-great-while treat, and a nice way to enjoy my special day. In the evening, my sister and I (I was just the sous chef) made a delicious dinner of meatballs and polenta for a family dinner at my parents' house. Julie also made panacotta for dessert. Delicious! We enjoyed having my dear friend Teresa, and her beau Toby, and their little son Wren join us.

Tomorrow we will go to my parents, and that's when I hope to get my wrapping done. So much to do, so little time left to do it! Christmas Day is almost here.

She Crawls!

I knew this day was coming. I've been saying, "She'll be crawling by Christmas" for sometime now. In the last couple of weeks she has had just about all the moves, but then she'd straighten her legs out behind her and give up. It didn't stop her from getting where she wanted to go, but now it's a whole new world.

Papa will be coming by tomorrow to help me start baby-proofing. Any suggestions for managing a crawler?

Help!

Michaela @ Seven Months

Oh, my! How did she get to be seven months old already? I know that time flies when you're having fun, and we are having fun, but I really wish her babyhood wasn't speeding by so quickly.

Growth: No official weight and measurement this month, but she is still wearing some 9 month and some 6-12 months sizes. I've finally figured out her shoe size, I think. After purchasing shoes from a number of makers, it appears that she's a size 3 - most of the time. Carter's is the exception. She's got a cute pair of 2s from Carter's and they fit her perfectly right now. In my attempt to find her size, I ordered 3s and 4s, but only one of those pairs is something she can currently wear. The good thing is she has lots of shoes to grow into over the next few months.

Feeding: Michaela is a ho-hum eater. She can take solids, or leave them. Nevertheless, she gets a breakfast portion and a lunch portion. This past month, I introduced rice crackers, yogurt melts, and sweet-potato puffs to her. Her diet also includes purees of apples, pears, bananas, prunes, sweet potatoes, carrots, chicken, and turkey. Typically she does not finish the small portion I prepare for her. Oh, well.

Sleeping: We are still co-sleeping and loving it. She sleeps through the night about ten hours total. Naps are not as lengthy or consistent as I wish they would be.

Fun Stuff: Michaela has learned how to clap. She will clap in response to "patty cake". Michaela has learned how to sit up when I put on the floor in that position, but she can't get herself in that position just yet. She is still pre-crawling, but I expect that she will crawl very, very soon. She has the best disposition, and she babbles and squeals with delight all the time. Michaela is a very social baby, and she loves all the special people who care for her during the week. She prefers to be held or played with all the time. This makes it very hard for Mommy to get much of anything (dishes, laundry, etc.) done. I try to remind myself to be a child-centered and not a task-centered parent, but it's hard sometimes.

Lastly, Michaela has cut two teeth this month. Just like I expected, she cut her bottom two teeth first. Those were some tough days for her and her caregivers, but she seems to be through the worst of that for now.

It has been a wonderful seven months!

Ho, Ho, Waaaaaa!

Mom, who is this guy, and why am I sitting on his lap?!

I don't think I've blogged about my decision to play down Santa in the years to come. He's just not going to be the star attraction of our Christmas seasons, and he's not going to be promoted as nonfiction. Perhaps more on that another time as there are several reasons why, and I'm just too tired at this point to explain myself. However, I would like to have a yearly picture (while she's little) of Michaela on Santa's lap, if she's a willing participant.

Michaela had no idea what was going on today, and the whole thing sort of took her by surprise. She had just awakened from a short nap, and was still kind of groggy when we entered Santa's whatever-you-call-it. It was a little house-like dwelling with a single room and a counter behind which several "elves" with cameras were doing their thing. It was cozy enough, I suppose, and the gentleman in the red suit was very good with her. Nevertheless, she was not sure about this new experience, and she started to cry shortly afterward. This was the best shot we got before she really let me know what she thought about the whole thing.

In the end, Mommy got a cute picture, and the experience of dressing up my sweet baby girl in a darling wintry outfit. Mission accomplished!

Edited to add other moments with Santa as taken by Grammy:

Another Birthday . . .

Today would have been Michael's 56th birthday. A few weeks ago I began thinking about how we could honor his memory on his birthday - for all our sakes, but especially for Michaela. She needs to grow up experiencing things that help her appreciate her daddy and who he was. I decided that both sides of the family should get together for a dim sum lunch at the place Michael and I liked. I hadn't been there without him, but it was a lovely way to be together on his birthday. Cameras were flashing throughout lunch, but not mine. I had my hands full with my baby girl. Hopefully, I will be able to post some later as they show up on Facebook or in my email.

Speaking of Facebook, it became obvious to me that some of Michael's FB "friends" didn't really know him all that well. Some of their birthday wishes were stated in such a way that they must not know that Michael is no longer with us. I notified a couple of them, and one lady (seemed like a high school acquaintance) was really apologetic and asked me to remove her comment on his wall. I gladly did so. Sheesh!

It really wasn't a hard day for me emotionally because I was too preoccupied with Michaela. Poor little thing is teething. Consequently, she is very clingy and fussy. Funny how the Lord uses other things in my life to get me through what I always anticipate will be difficult days. Since knowing I was pregnant with Michaela, and all that that entailed, I have been blessedly distracted on days that should be difficult.

That's not to say that I don't miss Michael. I miss him all the time. I miss being married. I miss all the thoughtful things he did for me. I miss his companionship. There is a huge hole in my life and in my heart that is only mitigated by knowing where he is and that I will see him again. I can't wait to see that smile again, and to feel his embrace.

Thanksgiving 2011

A sweet picture of Michaela and Mommy (and Sophie) on Thanksgiving.

 Could she be any cuter? I think not!

Day 30 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my house. It's rather small and it could use some TLC/DIY/HGTV/Extreme Home Makeover kind of attention (ha!), but it has been a safe and comfortable place to call home for nearly the last fifteen years.

Day 29 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for Grace thru Faith. I discovered that website shortly after Michael passed, and I have learned so much and been so blessed by Pastor Jack Kelly's teaching there. I look forward to checking in each evening for the daily Q & As, and I enjoy his weekly articles, and his weekly teaching on the Psalms. I don't have much time now that Michaela is here for in-depth Bible study and reading of any sort, so I appreciate being able to spend a few minutes each day (even with Michaela on my lap) learning something more about God's word.

Days 27 & 28 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I was so preoccupied with my return to work yesterday that I didn't remember to post until I'd already climbed into be last night. Once I slipped beneath my flannel sheets next to my Little Baby Punkin I wasn't going to get up again. So today will have to be a twofer.

I am thankful for good neighbors. Sure, I've had an ongoing disagreement with my nextdoor neighbor about her dumb dog, but I am blessed to have several neighbors who are truly neighborly. The bachelor who lives next door is really helpful. He frequently brings in my trash barrels, and collects my mail when I'm away. Today, he helped another neighbor with their dog that had escaped from their yard. The couple across the street has always been so friendly to me. Today she came across the street as Michaela and I were leaving for the post office and we had a nice little chat. They are the kind of neighbors who keep an eye out on everyone's house. Two doors up is a sweet elderly widow. I remember good conversations with her husband before he passed a few years ago. She and I have gone to church together before, and she loves a little visit with Michaela and me. Lastly, three doors up is a woman (and her beau). She has built a beautiful house in the years she's lived there. I wish my house was as nice as hers! I love that she's a police officer - makes me feel secure.

I am also thankful for my health. There are so many people who live in chronic pain or with a chronic condition. I got a taste of what that's like when I was pregnant, and it really made me appreciate what it feels like to wake up each morning pain-free, and what it's like to live with good health most of the time.

Two more days, but much more than that to be thankful for!

Day 26 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for time to myself. I don't always use that time wisely, but it is refreshing to have some time to do whatever I feel like doing (or, more likely, to get some things done around the house!).

I was single and childless for so long that I didn't realize how precious free time was. In fact, I usually felt like I had too much time to myself and I frequently felt bored or lonely. With Michaela in my life, I appreciate the times she naps or goes to bed early. Now is one of those times. Thus this post!

Day 25 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my nieces, Rebecca and Sarah.

Rebecca is now a sophomore in college. It has been such a pleasure watching her grow up from a shy little girl, to a confident, smart, and creative young woman. Rebecca has been a great help with Michaela. She stayed with us a night or two shortly after Michaela was born, and she's always eager to babysit. One of the things I appreciate about her is her photography abilities. She is really becoming a talented photographer, and I frequently ask her to document special times with Michaela with her camera. Just this week, she did a photo shoot with Michaela for our holiday cards and gifts. I'm not going to share my favorites just yet, but here's a fun one:

My youngest niece, Sarah, is a junior in high school. She has always been so outgoing and vivacious. Sarah dances ballet and jazz, and she's on her school's dance team. She's also a very good student. Sarah can talk your ear off about all the things happening in her busy life. She is a lot of fun.

Rebecca & Sarah

Day 24 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the abundance the Lord has blessed us with. Today my family will sit down to a beautiful and delicious meal prepared by my sister and my mother. I know this will not be the case in every household in America today, and it's certainly not the case for so many around the globe. It's so important to be mindful of that, and to be generous with what we do have. Jesus said:

Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”

Luke 6:38

Day 23 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for travel.

Compared to Michael, I haven't traveled that much. He saw much of the world because of his job with PA. However, I have loved the opportunities I've had to visit other countries and other parts of these United States.

My favorite place stateside is Northern California with Tennessee being a very close second.

My favorite place abroad is France.

I am thankful for the memories I have of times spent traveling with family and friends, and especially of times spent traveling with Michael. He was the best travel companion!

Day 22 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the beauty of nature.

Today as I drove north on Pacific Coast Highway to get home, I was treated to the beauty of the Bolsa Chica Wetlands at high tide. One image of that scene that struck me and caused me to thank the Lord for it, was a small flock of small, white birds rapidly flying above the water nearly as fast as I was driving. They might have been catching bugs as they flew. I had some classical music playing on the radio, and it seemed as though the flight of the birds and the music were intended to compliment each other. It was a beautiful moment.

Michaela @ Six Months

 It was so hard to get this shot! Michaela is almost always in motion these days.

On Friday last week, Michaela turned six months old. Here's the lowdown on all things Michaela.


Growth: I'll get the official measurements on Michaela's length and weight on Tuesday morning when we see the pediatrician, but she has continued to grow like a weed. A couple of weeks ago, I took all the six month clothing out of her drawers and washed up the nine month outfits. She still wears some lines that are sized 6 - 12 months, but most of her everyday wear is Carter's. So that's the sizing I use to judge her growth rate. She's wearing a size 3 shoe, but she hardly ever wears shoes. It's warm enough here for socks to suffice. I did get her a pair of warm boots for our trip to Las Vegas last weekend. I do hope they will fit her for most of the winter, but who knows.

Update: On Tuesday, Michaela weighed in at 17.8 pounds, and she is now 27 inches long.  Our pediatrician said she's "perfect".

Feeding: Michaela has finally decided that cereal and pureed fruits and vegetables are okay. She's still not eating large quantities of them, but she's much more enthusiastic about eating them than she was just a couple of weeks ago. She's also starting to use a sippy cup to get used to drinking water. She mostly just holds onto the cup and and plays with the spout for now. That's fine. Just like her initial forays into eating cereal and purees, the sippy cup is just for practice at this time.

Sleeping: After about a month or more of not sleeping through the night and dealing with night terrors, we have just started co-sleeping. It has allowed me to get the most uninterrupted sleep since I went back to work. I always liked having her in her bassinet right next to me. Now she's occupying the top third of the right side of the bed, and it's comfortable for us both. Naps are still taken in her crib.

Fun Stuff: Michaela gives sloppy kisses and hugs these days. I think she gave her first kisses to my dad. So sweet! She really loves her grandparents, and she is blessed to spend time with them each week. Michaela loves tags. Any blanket or toy with a tag is of interest to her. My mom found a little "Taggies" blanket for her, and she just loves that thing with a slobbery kind of love. It can occupy her for long periods of time. Michaela is doing a lot of pre-crawling movements like pushing up on her hands and knees and rocking back and forth. She's figured out how to get over to whatever interests her by rolling around and using her arms to change the direction she's facing. Michaela also has lots to say these days. She babbles, and laughs, and squeals throughout the day. Such sweet sounds!

Overall, she is still a very easy and happy baby. Every day is filled with lots of good things and love.

Day 21 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the friends I've made in the years I've been blogging. Blogging is a great way to connect with people you might never have had the opportunity to meet otherwise! I started my first blog six years ago, and I have met so many interesting, wise, and caring people because of it. In those six years, my life progressed from being a single trying to adopt from China, to a newly married trying to overcome infertility, to the wife of a cancer patient, to being a young widow, to being pregnant, to being a new mom. And, there have been others all along the way who were/are walking a similar path and had much empathy, sympathy, wisdom, and friendship to share. I have been so blessed by so many of you, and I have had the chance to meet several of you in person, too. Thank you all for enriching my life.

Day 20 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for rain. We had rain all day today, and it was a really good reason to just stay home and do very little.

However, if today had been a school day, I would not be feeling thankful about the rain. Rainy days at school are tough!

Day 19 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for music. It has always been a big part of my life, and because of music I met the man I would marry!

When I was a kid I started taking piano lessons, and I sang in the school chorus and the children's church choir. I still remember some of those performances and the excitement I felt then.

When I was in high school, I sang in the Concert Choir and the Troubadours. I have so many good memories of learning great music, traveling near and far for competitions and performances, and the wonderful friendships made. One of my dearest friends to this day, Kristina, was a fellow choir member.

As a young adult, I began singing with the worship team at my church. That's where Michael and I met! I wish that we had made more music together before he got sick, but we will do much of that in Eternity.

Lastly, I endeavored to sing and songwrite in the country music arena. I co-wrote the material for the CD I recorded in 2000, and using that as a marketing piece I was able to open for the Bellamy Brothers, Ricochet, Blake Shelton, and the subdudes at local venues. Fun, fun times! I only wish that Michael had been a part of those experiences.

These days, I make up silly songs to sing to Michaela. She seems to be musically inclined, and I can't wait to see what she decides to do with music in her life.

Day 18 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful that today is Friday, and that I have the next week off from school. I am so excited to spend nine full days with my sweet little girl! And today she is six months old. I'll post more about that little milestone soon.

On another note, I am grateful that my parents are celebrating 45 years of marriage today. Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. XO

Day 17 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for dogs. Growing up we always had a dog and usually more than one cat. But I consider myself more of a "dog person" than a "cat person".

Buffy may drive me crazy, but she's just a high-energy, always-ready-for-fun Lab. She has been a good companion for more than eight years now, and I really appreciated her in the months following Michael's passing. She was just here for me.

I also fondly remember other canine companions from years gone by:

Heidi - my childhood dog - a white and black German shepherd. She was such a good family dog.

Vanilla - all I wanted for my high school graduation gift was a new dog as we had lost Heidi to old age a few months beforehand. Vanilla was a beautiful and really smart yellow Lab mix. I think all of my family members measure the other dogs we've had since to Vanilla's high standards of temperament. She was an angel.

Colvin - the first dog I adopted once I moved into my own home. She was a Rottweiler/Lab mix. While she looked imposing, she was a gentle giant.

Taylor - a beautiful black Labrador. She was as high energy as Buffy, but not anywhere near as smart. Sweet as can be, though.

Taylor and Buffy on the Fourth of July several years ago.

Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made. ~ Roger Caras

Day 16 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the following Bible verses:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. ~ Romans 8:18

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. ~ Revelation 21:4

Day 15 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

Today is my Monday since I took yesterday off for our trip. It is hard to get up so very early every morning and leave Michaela with someone else (even if they are trusted friends and family members), but I am grateful to have a good job. I am also grateful that my job allows me to have a good deal of time off each year. Now that I have Michaela, those vacation times are like gold. They were always times I looked forward to, but now they are precious because I get to spend them with her.

Day 14 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful that Michaela is a good traveler! We just spent the last four days out in the Las Vegas area with a large contingent of family members, and it was such a good time. She did so well on the long drive there and back, in restaurants, and during various outings. She's just a joy to be with. We took the Pack 'n Play for her to sleep in, but I ended up with her in my bed instead. That actually worked out really well for us, except that she moves around a lot in her sleep. She's a real bed hog.

Here are some photos from our trip:

Sleeping during the ride. I love to watch her sleep.

A burpy cloth can be fun to play with, Mommy!

Having lots of fun at the Bellagio.

Michaela's first carousel ride. She loved it!

Day 13 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

Continuing with the "creature comforts" this weekend, I am thankful for dark chocolate. Lately, I have been savoring Trader Joe's dark chocolate sea salt caramels. Oh, my goodness! They are incredible. You must try them.

Day 12 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

This weekend is a busy one, so I'm allowing myself to be thankful for creature comforts!

I am thankful for flannel sheets. When the weather gets cold, I appreciate how the bed doesn't feel chilly when I first get in it. And they are so soft! Definitely one of the best things about this time of year for me.

Day 11 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

Today would have been our fourth wedding anniversary. I hate that we are not able to be together - especially on special days like today. Our time here on earth was just too short, but I know Eternity awaits.

Today, I am thankful for the perfect wedding day we were blessed to have, and every day I am thankful for the love he gave me.

Day 10 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my mother-in-law, Marian.

She is a wonderful grandmother to Michaela!

Day 9 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for other widows. What a weird thing to be thankful for! But, it helps to know people who have walked, or who are walking, this difficult path with strength, faith, and grace. They inspire me in so many ways as they face rebuilding their lives without their beloved husbands.

Day 8 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for Elizabeth, our nanny and housekeeper.

My dad, Elizabeth, and her husband at Michaela's dedication.

She cares for Michaela as if she is her own. Michaela is always happy to see Elizabeth when she arrives in the morning, and I get a full report in the afternoon when I get home of the day's events. I never worry while I'm at work because I know my precious baby is in good hands when she's with Elizabeth.

Day 7 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for books! Oh, how I love to read! I haven't read much since I had Michaela, but reading has been a joy for me since I first learned to read in kindergarten. I won the "Most Avid Reader" award when I was in third grade. I'm still proud of that! My favorite genre is historical fiction, and my favorite book series is Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon. You can have your silly Twilight series. I'll take Jamie Fraser over Twinkle Toes Edward any day.

So, there is reading for pleasure, and there is reading for knowledge and personal growth. After Michael passed, I read several books that have had a profound impact on my grief journey. There are parts of these three books that have really stuck with me and that I go back to for encouragement whenever needed.

Although their loss was much different than mine, I learned a lot from the Chapmans' story. It is always helpful to have godly examples of how to weather the storms of life. The thing that has stuck with me from this book is the idea that Michael is a bigger part of my future than he is of my past. The short time we had here together will be eclipsed in quantity and quality in eternity. I remind myself of that on a regular basis.

Heaven is a thorough study of all that the Bible says about eternity. So many people have defined Heaven for themselves, or let some other person define it for them. I wanted to know what God's Word had to say about Michael's new home. It's not a place full of clouds and harps. It's a marvelous and eternal city:

Revelation 22:1-5  Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.  No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.

As I read Heaven, and came to an understanding of the present heaven, the millenial kingdom, and the New Heaven and New Earth, I wanted to know more about biblical end times prophesy. Dr. David Jeremiah was preaching on that subject on his radio broadcast at the time, and so I picked up a copy of Escape the Coming Night.

This book helped me understand the book of Revelation and other end times prophesies, and I have found great comfort in knowing what the Bible has to say about these times.

Lastly, I love my Bible.

I use the New King James Version, because that's the version my pastor preaches from. I like how it reads, and I use a study version so I can learn more about what I'm reading. I have come to love studying the Bible, and I really enjoy Kay Arthur's Bible studies. I'm currently (and very slowly) working on a study of Acts with a good friend. Studying the Bible with others can be a wonderful experience.

So, there you have it. I'm thankful for books - books that capture my imagination, and books that nourish my spirit.

Day 6 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

Photo credit - http://www.gpnc.org

I am thankful for my church and my pastor. I believe the Lord led me to Cottonwood Church the year prior to Michael's diagnosis to prepare me for the hard times that would come. It was the first time I had attended a church led by a pastor that really preached from the Bible, and that has made a huge difference in my life. I have learned so much more about the Bible since I started attending Cottonwood.

Pastor Bayless has taught me about the God of the Bible and His nature. Therefore, when Michael became sick, I understood Him better and I could trust Him with our lives. I'm still trusting Him and drawing strength from His promises. No matter what the world throws at me, God is good all the time.

It was also through Cottonwood, and Michael's mom, that we came to know Pastor Ray. The Lord used Pastor Ray to minister to Michael and to lead him to the cross. A lot of my comfort comes from knowing Michael's salvation was secure and that I will see him again. Because of what Jesus has done for us, Michael is a greater part of my future than he is of my past. Someday my little earthly family will finally be together forever in the same place with the Lord. That is something to look forward to.

We don't make it to church as frequently as I'd like to, but we'll get to that point eventually. It is so important to me that Michaela grow up knowing and loving the Lord, and that we have friends at church with whom we can share the journey.

Day 5 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

This is my sweet friend, Teresa, and I am so thankful for our thirty years of friendship.

We met as freshmen in Mrs. Vena's English class and Mr. Smith's physical science class. I was always surprised that our friendship continued throughout high school because Teresa was cool, and I was most definitely not! After high school, we both worked at Disneyland in Tomorrowland for a time. We would meet at the park in the off-season and sign ourselves in for a few hours of fun. Those were such good times.

Teresa moved up to San Francisco at least ten years ago, and she has had me as a house guest many, many times over those years. We have spent many fun days together eating and shopping our way through the city.

Teresa shared in the joy of my marriage to Michael by being my bridesmaid, and she shared in the heartache of his illness and death by caring for us both. I'll never forget the ten days she spent with me after Michael went Home just loving me and listening to me.

This year we both became mommies. It has been such a joy to share this new season of life with such a close friend. I can hardly wait to see Teresa, her Toby, and their little son later this month when they come down south for Thanksgiving.

I love you, friend!

Day 4 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

Okay, so today's post is a light-weight. However, with all the sleep I'm not getting these days, I am thankful for this:

It makes a cup of coffee really fast and there's no clean up required. Michael gave me this coffee maker after we enjoyed using one during our stay at a posh inn on the beach in Cambria. Then he taught me how to steam and froth some milk with a little electric whisk he had, and now I can make my own latte every morning. It's a simple pleasure that I really enjoy.

Day 3 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the love of my family. They have been there for me through the storms of life in the last couple of years, and they still do so much to support me on a regular basis. I don't know what I'd do without them.

My wonderful parents showing off their classic car.

My amazing sister. Seriously, what can't she do?

You don't choose your family, they are God's gift to you,
as you are to them.
Desmond Tutu

Day 2 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

Beautiful Michaela

I am so thankful for my sweet baby! Her existence is truly a miracle after years of infertility and Michael's passing. I had nearly lost all hope of ever getting pregnant, but the Lord graciously granted me the desire of my heart when He gave me Michaela. She has brought me so much joy and a renewed purpose in life.

Day 1 - Thirty Days of Thanksgiving

My friend Elaine has invited me (and anyone who's interested) to participate in a thirty-day commitment to blog about all that we are thankful for. I am probably insane for attempting to blog daily over the next thirty days, but I'll do my best. There's certainly more than thirty things to be thankful for, so that won't be the problem.

In a culture where we have so much materially, it would be easy to start with one of so many creature comforts I enjoy. I'm sure this will devolve to such things as the days go by, but I want to start out with the things that money can't buy.

The best thing in my life that has eternal value is my salvation in Jesus Christ, and I am so thankful for what He did for me on the cross. I'm just too tired to find the right words of my own to explain salvation and why we all need it, so here's a little cut and paste from Christianity 101:

The primary subject of the Bible is salvation. Jesus, from His conception is announced as the Savior. Saviorhood and salvation cannot be separated, since it is the role of a savior to save. And a savior is one who rescues another or others from a dangerous or threatening situation.

Salvation, in its basic definition, means to be rescued from some calamity or other dire situation. The Bible uses this term in a specific way to refer to ultimate redemption from sin and reconciliation to God. In this context, then, salvation is from the ultimate calamity of the judgment of God. It is Jesus Christ, the Savior, who "delivers us from the wrath to come" (1 Thessalonians 1:10).

Scripture in no uncertain terms teaches that a day of judgment will come; a day where all human beings will have to stand in the presence of God to be held accountable for the life they lived. For many this will be a dark day of gloom and darkness. It will be a day when the wrath of God will be poured out on the wicked and disobedient. This day of wrath will be the greatest calamity in human history. Its terror and destruction will be beyond imagination. To be delivered from such a day is ultimate salvation. It is Jesus Christ, in His role as Savior, who rescues His people from this day of God's wrath.

In the Bible, salvation is spoken of in tenses of past, present, and future. We were saved from the foundation of the world; we were being saved by the work of God in history; we are saved by being in a state of justification before God; we are being saved by being sanctified or made holy by God; and we will be saved when we experience the consummation of our redemption in heaven.

A key aspect of salvation to remember is that it is of the Lord (Jonah 2:9). Salvation from start to finish is the Lord's work, not man's. Human beings cannot save themselves. Salvation is both of God and from Him. Ultimately, it is God who saves us from God's wrath, which will most assuredly come.

Salvation proceeds from the love of God, is based upon the atonement wrought by His Son Jesus Christ, is realized in forgiveness, regeneration, and sanctification, and culminates in the resurrection and glorification of all those who accept Jesus Christ as Savior.

  

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for saving me!

Pretty Little Peacock

Too bad my arms are in this picture!

Today we attended Michaela's cousins' (triplets!) third birthday party. They always have the best birthday parties! This year, their party was in a park across the street from their beautiful new home. The kids enjoyed a bounce house, face painting, balloon art, and games. We adults enjoyed the gourmet food trucks and wandering through the new house!

It was a fun opportunity for Michaela to dress up for the first time. Originally, I had purchased a cute flower costume, but as the party neared I realized that the weather was going to be too warm for that costume. I found this one on clearance at Gymboree, and I think Michaela looks so pretty in these jewel tones. It worked out perfectly.

Tomorrow there will be no dressing up in costume and "trick or treating". Michaela is too little for that, and I really don't think we will celebrate Halloween in the future. We will go to the pumpkin patch, like we did this year, but we will find Halloween alternatives at our church or another local church instead - alternatives that allow her to dress up and have fun without emphasizing the scary and pagan aspects of the occasion.

Pumpkin Patch 2011

Last Friday, I took advantage of having an afternoon off work to spend some time with Michaela and some of my family at a local pumpkin patch. We had such a good time! I had been wanting to have experiences like this with my own child for many, many years. The only thing missing was Michael's physical presence with us - a common feeling for me.

I'm looking forward to many more moments like this afternoon with my precious girl. Enjoy!

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Michaela @ Five Months

Here's our attempt at the usual monthly shot, but Michaela wasn't really interested in sitting up pretty for me. She looks cute anyway!

Letting her do it her way, and we get a darling shot!

My beautiful daughter has just continued to flourish this past month. She reveals more of her personality with each passing day, and she's always learning to do something new. Being with her is so much fun.

Here's the latest:

Growth - We won't see our pediatrician this month, and so I don't have a precise weight and height for her. But I think she's probably close to 16 pounds, and perhaps has grown closer to 27 inches. She's just started wearing a size 3 diaper, and she's transitioning from six month sized clothing to nine months. I took advantage of sales and coupons at Carter's and Gymboree to purchase her cool-weather wardrobe, but we are still enjoying our Indian Summer weather here and probably won't be needing those things for a few more weeks.

Feeding - Michaela is still trying to decide what she thinks about this whole cereal thing. More winds up on her face than in her mouth, that's for sure. We've also added some bananas to her menu. She's not so sure about those either. I have purchased some organic baby foods just to add a spoonful of something new to her cereal mix now and then, but we've only tried bananas so far. I do plan to make my own purees for her eventually, but being that she eats so very little of what I give her right now, I'll wait until she's more enthusiastic about food.

Sleeping - Well, early last week we had several nights where she slept through the night, and it was so wonderful for Mommy! But that was short lived, and we have returned to getting up at least once a night for a bottle and some cuddle time. I attribute this to teething as she also has increased drooling, a desire to chew on everything, a few days of the runs, and fussiness (what happened to my easy-going girl?). The lack of sleep doesn't really seem to affect her, but I'm not doing so well. Also, she used to sleep late enough into the morning that I could get up and get ready for work before she woke up. Not anymore! That means that we are up even before my alarm goes off, or we are getting up at the same time. I can't get up to get ready for work any earlier than five, or I do not make it through my day without a caffeine drip. So getting ready has been a challenge. As for naps, she usually naps for less than two hours total during the day. The average baby (whoever that is) naps for four hours per day. This makes getting things done at home on the weekends very, very challenging. The only person around here who wants a nap during the day is me.


Fun Stuff - Michaela is a good shopper. I put her in the Baby Bjorn when we go to the market, and she likes looking around and smiling at the other shoppers. She just loves dogs! Michaela laughs heartily at our dog (the dog's only saving grace right now), my parents' dog, and my sister's dog. She just thinks they are so funny. I'm ashamed to admit that I let Michaela watch television, but I have found it to be a necessary evil at times. She really enjoys Nick Jr., and that's the only programming I allow her to watch. Some favorites are Olivia!, Peppa Pig, Wonder Pets, and the Backyardigans. If you have any suggestions for other ways I can occupy her when I'm pressed to get something done instead of letting her watch television, please tell me what they are!

I can't believe how quickly these five months have passed by! And sometimes, I can't believe that this child is mine. It just seems like a dream - a wonderful dream.

Run to You

Alas, more cereal winds up on her face than in her mouth! This post really isn't about Michaela, but how can I not post a picture of this sweet little face?

One of the good things to come out of all the heartache in the last couple of years was the spiritual growth I experienced. I made the choice to walk with the Lord and trust Him with the outcomes of our infertility, Michael's journey with cancer, and my life as a widow. And the Lord really showed up, filling me with peace of mind, a deeper understanding of His precious Word, and hope for the future. I shouldn't be surprised because that's just the way He is.

So you would think that after all I've been through, and how faithful my Savior has been all along, that I would learn that He's the first one I need to turn to when I am facing any challenge. But, it still doesn't come naturally to me. I'm such an idiot sometimes. Sigh...

The last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful for me at work, and that has triggered my grief to a certain extent. I long to come home to Michael's smile, his embrace, his offer to pour me a glass of wine, rub my feet, and listen to me tell him about my day. Long before we were married, I had developed an emotional attachment to him that included dealing with the stressors in my life by turning to him for comfort. In fact, one of the most stressful days of my life before Michael's cancer diagnosis, was the day a little more than six years ago when I witnessed an attempted murder and murder on my way home from work. It was a time when I wasn't seeing Michael, but the post-traumatic stress of that scene made me turn to him, and in retrospect it really was the turning point for our relationship. After that we began to make plans for a future together. So strange...

But now I'm in a season of life where I cannot turn to Michael. It is time for me to bring stressful situations to the Lord in prayer immediately - even if I can't articulate much more than help me! Running to another person, or depending on my own strength to get me through is not enough. Jesus is not my last resort. He is my everything. I really need to learn to trust Him with difficult situations in the workplace because that's where most of the stress in my life comes from. Seriously, I need to take Jesus to work with me!

So, as this new week begins, I am going to step into it prayerfully and mindful of all that is available to me when I call on Him. This is going to be my theme song this coming week:

Run to You (Twila Paris)

Faster now than ever, I run to You
Now I know You better, I run to You
I am a little older now, You know it's true
Maybe a little wiser, too, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every minute, every day
That I need You more than I could ever say

Ooh, I run to You
Ooh, what else would I do?
I run to You, ooh, I run to You
Ooh

Even on the sad days, I run to You
Even on the good days, too, I run to You
Even before all else fails, You know it's true
You are the wind in my sails, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every footstep, all the way
That I need You so much more than I can say

But I Don't Like Cereal, Mommy!

What are we going to do, Mommy?

I like the new plastic bib you got for me, Mommy.

What is this nasty stuff? Why are you doing this to me, Mommy? I want my bottle. Waaaaaaaa....

Such was our first attempt with cereal the other night. Poor little dear. We skipped it last night because we were at Auntie's and I hadn't taken any cereal with us. But we tried it again tonight, and although she still wasn't crazy about it, she was a little more open to it. She sure does watch me intently while I eat, so I think it's just a matter of time before she enjoys her cereal.

Hello, Pre-pregnancy Wardrobe!

I have lost nearly all of the fifty pounds I gained while pregnant with Michaela!

I honestly did not think this was doable in such a short period of time, and I did absolutely nothing to make it happen. My plans for walking on a daily basis, and trying something like Nutrisystem were unnecessary. The weight just dropped off on its own. As my sister pointed out, I had a couple of things stacked against me - my age, and the fact that I wasn't able to breastfeed. Doesn't seem to have mattered though.

The last couple of months, I have been wearing size 10 pants as they were the largest size in my closet. I had gained weight back in 2009 during and after our first IVF, and I had invested in a few pairs of that size back then. Good thing I didn't get rid of them when I started to lose weight while Michael was sick. Over this summer, I even supplemented the few items of what I had with some things I was able to find on the clearance racks at Loft. I was fine with that, and I figured that if I plateaued at size 10 for a while, I could live with that.

But, this morning I weighed in and was surprised to see that I now weigh what I did on my wedding day. I weighed myself twice because I couldn't believe it. Then I went to my closet and pulled out a pair of size 8 pants. I fully expected that they would be tight, but they fit perfectly! I am giddy just thinking about all the pants I have to choose from this week.

After Michael went Home, I was pretty stressed out and I dropped nearly ten pounds, so I have some size 6 pants in the closet, too. Only time will tell if I will be able to fit into them. It's not something I am going to work towards, but it would be nice. I'm certainly not as skinny as I was when I met Michael. I think I was a size 2 back then, but I have no desire to be that thin again. I'm just pleased to be wearing the things I already own. It's been quite a while, and so they all seem new again!

Work Stress = Grief

Sometimes I feel like I have a target on me at school. Mind you, I'm not unhappy at my new school. In fact, there are many good things about it, but something happened this week that was really hurtful and it's not entirely resolved yet. I just don't understand the contentiousness that some people bring to the table when dealing with their child's teacher. And I don't understand why it's not more obvious that so many things about public education are not in the teacher's control. I feel like a foot soldier who takes orders from commanding officers most of the time. The autonomy I once enjoyed about my job that allowed me to make decisions about how to deliver instruction and manage my classroom is almost non-existent now.

I was reduced to tears yesterday as I felt that I was being unfairly criticized and unsupported. After the last couple of years, I really need to have a school year in which I can feel successful and valued once again. That, or I need to win the lottery or find another profession.

Anyway, not having Michael to come home to and be my safe place just made my grief feel "newish" again. I longed to share my troubles with him and have him embrace me in his strong arms. But that's not going to happen at the end of a hard day, and that really sucks. I have great family support and lots of friends who love me and encourage me, but nothing compares to the love of your life sharing your burdens with you.

I was easily agitated when Buffy wanted out and then wouldn't come in the house at 11:30 last night (waking me up and robbing me of the little sleep I do get), and I had an angry cry over that. Then more tears on the way to work this morning as I felt like too much rests on my shoulders. I even threw a temper tantrum at God. Which is really stupid, and I even though I blame that on sleep deprivation, I have repented. Being angry at God is counterproductive and immature. He never changes. He's good all the time, and I need to seek Him when I'm troubled and persecuted.

I just hope and pray that this school year will be a peaceful one. Last year was just awful, and I'm not up for that kind of drama in my life.

Michaela @ Four Months

There have been so many developments in the last month! On the very day she turned three months old, Michaela began to laugh. It was thrilling to hear her do that for the first time, and I kept acting silly just so she would keep laughing. In the last month, her laughter hasn't been a regular thing, but it's a joy to behold when something tickles her funny bone.

In the last couple of weeks, she began rolling over from front to back, and from back to front. I wasn't the first person to see her do this (dagger in my heart). I think Grammy, Auntie Julie, and nanny Elisabeth all saw her do this before I did. The first time I saw her attempting to do so was in her bassinet one morning, and that was the sign I'd been waiting for to transition her into her crib in her nursery. She has taken to her crib very well, and although I put her down on her back, when I go in to check on her she's usually rolled over onto her tummy. I miss having her sleep right next to me, but our house is so tiny that I can almost hear her breathing in her room.

Michaela is becoming more and more coordinated with her hands. She grasps her toys and brings them up to her mouth. Everything goes in the mouth! She's also started to touch my face. It's very sweet. What's not so sweet is how she pulls my hair. Ouch!

Speaking of hair, she has been losing hers. It's all over her sheets and blankets. Most of the hair loss seems to be from the sides of her head. She has so much hair that I don't think it's that noticeable to other people.

Michaela is wearing a size two diaper, and she wears six months sized clothing most of the time. We haven't seen the pediatrician for her official length and weight, but I'm pretty sure she weighs about 16 pounds.

Her disposition continues to be very easy-going. She rarely cries. When she does cry, I know she must not be feeling well. Her acid reflux is still an issue, and that can cause her to be upset. Michaela smiles all the time and vocalizes a lot. So much personality in such a little person! Her mommy, and everyone else who knows her, is absolutely smitten with her.

Updated after pediatrician appointment on Thursday 9/22/11:
Michaela now weighs 14 pounds and 14 ounces. She is 26 inches long. We have the green light to begin solid foods. I was not going to do cereal, but our pediatrician said it was a good practice food and that I could introduce something else five days later - like bananas or avocados. So, I guess we will give it a try!

She didn't fuss too much after her shots, but she was very cranky last night. Grandma stayed overnight with us and did most of the baby wrangling through the night. She is so good to us both. Michael always told me that his mom was "incredible" and he is right. I love having her here with us every week.

Working Mom Blues

Today was the fourth day of the new school year. I am grateful to be in a new school and working with new people, but I honestly hate leaving Michaela. I know she's in good hands with our nanny and her grandparents. It's not that. It's that by the time I get home from wrangling my students (that's what it feels like), I am so tired that I don't feel like I have much left to give her. I totally forgot our little bedtime routine tonight of books and songs and prayers. I don't want her childhood to be less than because I'm tired and distracted when I get home from spending the day with other people's kids.

I just want to pour myself into her. Be there to witness all the firsts. I've already missed a couple just since I went back to work not even two weeks ago. Sigh...

I long to be a SAHM, but I know that even if Michael was here that wouldn't be possible. However, it is something I pray for because I've learned that miracles do happen. Michaela is my miracle. Truly anything is possible. So I'll just keep petitioning the Lord and see what His plans are for our life, and take it one day at a time. It's overwhelming to get anymore ahead of myself than that.

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! (Matthew 7:11)

What a Difference a Year Makes!

From this:

To this:

Wow!

It was September 5th last year that I learned that I was pregnant with Michaela. It was an incredibly hard journey - all the failed attempts, Michael's illness and his journey Home, and a very difficult pregnancy. But today, I am the mother of a wonderful little girl. Every day with her is a new adventure, full of delights and challenges.

I remember desperately praying during that two-week wait. Really crying out to the Lord. Acknowledging the near impossibility of this ever happening what with Michael's sperm being effected by the cancer, and my eggs being old. But I knew that God could override all that and create a perfect baby if that was His will for my life. Michaela truly is a miracle, not of modern medicine, but of an all powerful God who lavishes His children with blessings.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. James 1:17

Michaela's Baby Dedication

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