Alas, more cereal winds up on her face than in her mouth! This post really isn't about Michaela, but how can I not post a picture of this sweet little face?
One of the good things to come out of all the heartache in the last couple of years was the spiritual growth I experienced. I made the choice to walk with the Lord and trust Him with the outcomes of our infertility, Michael's journey with cancer, and my life as a widow. And the Lord really showed up, filling me with peace of mind, a deeper understanding of His precious Word, and hope for the future. I shouldn't be surprised because that's just the way He is.
So you would think that after all I've been through, and how faithful my Savior has been all along, that I would learn that He's the first one I need to turn to when I am facing any challenge. But, it still doesn't come naturally to me. I'm such an idiot sometimes. Sigh...
The last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful for me at work, and that has triggered my grief to a certain extent. I long to come home to Michael's smile, his embrace, his offer to pour me a glass of wine, rub my feet, and listen to me tell him about my day. Long before we were married, I had developed an emotional attachment to him that included dealing with the stressors in my life by turning to him for comfort. In fact, one of the most stressful days of my life before Michael's cancer diagnosis, was the day a little more than six years ago when I witnessed an attempted murder and murder on my way home from work. It was a time when I wasn't seeing Michael, but the post-traumatic stress of that scene made me turn to him, and in retrospect it really was the turning point for our relationship. After that we began to make plans for a future together. So strange...
But now I'm in a season of life where I cannot turn to Michael. It is time for me to bring stressful situations to the Lord in prayer immediately - even if I can't articulate much more than help me! Running to another person, or depending on my own strength to get me through is not enough. Jesus is not my last resort. He is my everything. I really need to learn to trust Him with difficult situations in the workplace because that's where most of the stress in my life comes from. Seriously, I need to take Jesus to work with me!
So, as this new week begins, I am going to step into it prayerfully and mindful of all that is available to me when I call on Him. This is going to be my theme song this coming week:
Run to You (Twila Paris)
Faster now than ever, I run to You
Now I know You better, I run to You
I am a little older now, You know it's true
Maybe a little wiser, too, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every minute, every day
That I need You more than I could ever say
Ooh, I run to You
Ooh, what else would I do?
I run to You, ooh, I run to You
Ooh
Even on the sad days, I run to You
Even on the good days, too, I run to You
Even before all else fails, You know it's true
You are the wind in my sails, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every footstep, all the way
That I need You so much more than I can say
Now I know You better, I run to You
I am a little older now, You know it's true
Maybe a little wiser, too, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every minute, every day
That I need You more than I could ever say
Ooh, I run to You
Ooh, what else would I do?
I run to You, ooh, I run to You
Ooh
Even on the sad days, I run to You
Even on the good days, too, I run to You
Even before all else fails, You know it's true
You are the wind in my sails, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every footstep, all the way
That I need You so much more than I can say
I feel like we are on parallel courses. We are raising our daughter's alone in a world that is increasingly hard to live in. I, too, came to the realization that I have to depend more on the Lord. I need to take my deepest feelings to Him every day, despite being so tired. I pray often, several times a day, but lately more lightweight prayers, the minimum, so to speak, because I just don't have the energy to bring the nitty gritty before Him. I gave myself a good talking to over this weekend on this issue.
ReplyDeleteWe were just not meant to be singles mothers, but we will do it because we made a choice to. We were meant to have a husband at our sides, to support us as we support our children and husband.
It's so hard to put into words sometimes...
Hmmmm..... Growth.... Challenge.... Faith.... A reason why.... A method why.... and God is good.... but, sometimes!!!! I wonder why.... or I can't keep the focus why....or sometimes I am angry why....or I just don't know why.... and, sometimes.... I just don't want to face the challenge!! I guess that's just life and faith..... Sometimes I think it just has to be blind.....and sometimes I just don't know...... And, Sigh............
ReplyDeleteLove an ((Hugs)),
Jan
So very well written and said! I need to take Jesus to work as well. School has become such a source of stress I literally feel like I am having a heart attack. The panic and the stress and the negativity all overwhelm. I am also not turning to Jesus first. I needed to read this so badly and to be reminded. I think b/c we are human we need reminders that HE is our everything..... I will pray for you....hugs....
ReplyDeleteAmen Sister! Yes! God is our refuge and strength. He is our comforter. Even when we have people in our lives who we think can fill those roles, God should be the one we turn to first. Beautiful, honest post. I can totally relate.
ReplyDelete