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| Summer 2007 |
What a crappy milestone.
I knew it was coming up early this month, but I hadn't taken the time to pinpoint the date until I crawled into bed a few minutes ago. That's when I realized that today is the day. So I'm up blogging about it.
Sometimes, I look at men who are older than Michael got to be, and I think, "Why didn't Michael get to grow old (with me)?"
Couples on Facebook announce their wedding anniversaries - ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five years, etc. Why didn't we even get to have five years of married life?
Cancer.
Cancer sucks!
Being a widow is sucky, too.
Lonely.
Boring.
Too much responsibility.
Lonely.
Boring.
Too much responsibility.
I'm so grateful for my precious daughter. I'm so grateful that I know that God is good all the time, and that He's always working things together for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). If it weren't for the blessing that Michaela is, and what I know about God's nature, I'd hate my life without Michael.
It's got to get better. It's just got to.
What a crappy milestone indeed :-(
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
What a crappy thought to wake up to. It stinks.
ReplyDeleteSending you caring thoughts, a huge hug and reminder that you are a wonderful Mummy, and an amazing lady and that you deserve the world.
xx
I'm sorry Joannah. There are questions we just won't ever have the answers to. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh friend!! It WILL get better! You love God and are an amazing mommy and I know He has wonderful plans for you!!
ReplyDeleteSomeday, in God's way...it will get better. It will always be different. That is the one thing I came to realize in my journey. It would be different. Not the way I had wanted or planned it to be. Not the dreams I'd had. However, in God's time it happened that I became less lonely and less miserable. I was stuck in my grief for years. I wanted to be a mom and I wanted to have a reason to go on again. It took a long time, but it happened. To this day, I still wonder about what would have or could have been. I think that is very normal and b/c we are human.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I know without a shadow of a doubt how Michaela fills your heart and life with joy and love. I know you are so grateful for being her Mommy. But, I also think that I know how you feel an ache...deeply and intense in your heart...for Michael. I understand feeling lonely as an adult for friendship and companionship of other adults.
I know it doesn't feel right now like it will get better. It will. I just know that the Lord DOES have great plans for you. I really believe that. Hugs to you....always.