November 11, 2007

Another wedding anniversary has come and gone. It would have been our fifth. I have now experienced more anniversaries without Michael than I did with him. That's a crummy milestone.

The weeks leading up to it were far worse than the day itself. My aunt and uncle graciously invited us to spend the weekend with them, and that was just what I needed. Our time there included some shopping, a trip to the zoo, good food, and lots of visiting with my aunt and uncle, and my cousins. It was good for me to be distracted, and to focus on watching Michaela enjoy herself.

All that kept me from dwelling on the sadness that I do feel. It is hard to wrap my head around all that has happened in five short years. How I went from a bride-to-be, to a newlywed, to an infertile, to the wife of a seriously ill cancer patient, to a young widow, to a mother-to-be, to a new mom, and so on. That's a lot of living in a short period of time. A lot of highs and lows.

If you'd have asked me where I thought I'd be five years from November 11, 2007, I'd have said that I expected that we'd have had a child or two, and that we'd be in a new (to us) larger home. Our intentions were all about having a family and making a home together. We were so excited about our future together. We could never have imagined that this would be our reality five years from our wedding day.

Although things are not what I'd hoped they would be when we married, the Lord has blessed me in so many ways. Michaela is my greatest blessing, obviously. In her, I have my most tangible connection to Michael. When I am at my most disheartened, I remind myself that she is the best of the both of us. In her I see Michael's joie de vivre, and of course, his likeness. That sweet little face is so like her daddy's.