It was this Thursday three years ago that Dr. Kabinivar told us there was nothing more that could be done for Michael, and it was time to transition to hospice care. I know we all saw it coming, but hearing our trusted physician articulate that was really devastating. Our mothers were with us in that small examination room. Michael was in a wheelchair and on oxygen 24/7. He wanted to pray and led us in the Lord's Prayer. I think I asked him some stupid questions about what he'd want for a memorial service. That's me. Always got to be thinking ahead and making plans. I just cringe thinking about that now.
What followed after that was coordinating all the hospice services, and the onslaught of family visitors rushing to see him at least one more time. I think we both just wanted to be alone, but that was not an option. It was Valentine's Day weekend. There was some strife between his sister-in-law and me. I was upset because she was not respecting our wishes for short visits. I cried angry tears and felt powerless in my own home. Michael was frustrated, too, but he was so weak and tired. I burdened him with my anger and frustration. I was past the point of being able to filter my feelings very well, and I was used to being so open with him.
We had help every day from that point on. Hospice visits. Family. But fewer and fewer friends per Michael's choice. His friend Arlette (pictured below) was an exception. She is a massage therapist, and she gave him a massage each week. He loved that. He needed that.
I can hardly believe that it's been three years already. So much has changed, but it seems like he was just here in some ways. Now our living room is cluttered with Michaela's toys instead of Michael's medical equipment. I am focused on living instead of dying, and that is a blessing.
I
have been wanting a new camera since Michaela started walking. The cameras I have are well over five years old (probably about eight years old, actually), and they just don't work fast enough to take pictures of a busy toddler. When Michaela was littler and immobile for the most part, those cameras and my iPhone were adequate, and I do have some beautiful pictures of her from those early months.
Anyway, this camera came into my life because my friend, John of John Norling Photography, had recently purchased this camera and used it on a trip with his lovely wife, Sakura, to San Francisco. He posted the pictures he took of their trip on Facebook, and they were just great - all of his stuff is great. He has taken pictures of Michael and me, and of Michaela and me, and he just did my niece's wedding. So, yesterday morning he posted that he was selling the camera for a song, and I jumped at the chance to make it mine. I know nothing about photography, but I've got this incredibly beautiful subject and it would be a shame to let her childhood pass by without taking more photos.
John brought it by the house, and gave me a crash course on how to use it. I'm sure I will be picking his brain as I get more familiar with what it can do. Today, I hope to get some time to practice using it.
Listening:
to Chuck Swindoll on my drive to work. His series right now is called The Grace Awakening, and I'm loving the scriptures and anecdotes he shares to illustrate the Lord's incredible grace. The apostle Paul wrote, "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He
considered me faithful, putting me into service, even though I was
formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I
was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of
our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are
found in Christ Jesus." (1 Timothy 1:12-14) Good stuff. If He would do it for Paul, He will do it for me and you.
Loving:
the flannel jammies I got on clearance at Target after Christmas. Why haven't I had flannel pajamas in so long? They are so comfy! I'm also loving my "fake" Uggs. My feet have been so cold lately. Not anymore. One last "love" for my cold feet has also got to be my Keysocks. They are a great way to wear socks with flats and wedges or pumps when the weather is cool. Just had to share the "love" with you.
Thinking:
a lot about my new friend, Mark. But, that's all I'm going to say for now. ;)
Wanting:
winter to finish doing its thing. At least the days are getting noticeably longer already, and sometimes the temperature creeps up into the 70s.
Needing:
to start my taxes. Fun times...
Music: not much time for listening to music, but when I do it's mostly praise and worship.
