Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I have dreamed of Michael twice in the last week.

The first dream was heartbreaking and I woke up crying. He was healthy and all I wanted to do was to feel his skin, his hair, his face. I kept saying Let me do this so that I can remember what you feel like. Michael didn't understand why I was saying that, so I explained that I knew that he was going to get cancer and die. Then he cried and the dream was over.

It was so real. I could really feel him.

Two nights ago the dream was not a tear jerker. I don't think I realized at first that he was even in the dream. He just sort of seeped into it or something. Dreams are weird. My dreams are weird anyway. We had stumbled upon a little place to eat, and we were having breakfast with another couple. I have no idea who they were. I was cutting up a pancake into little, eensy, weensy bites. Michael was sitting next to me, but I don't think I looked over at him even once. I was engrossed with cutting up the pancake. See, I told you my dreams are weird.

Weirder still is the dream I just woke up from in which I was a host on the Today show. We were having to do some really ridiculous stuff in Halloween costumes, but it was my birthday. My birthday is three days before Christmas so how that all goes together I don't know. I remember thinking Is this really my job? This is stupid. I can't believe I have to do this. When the show was over, I was walking down some street in New York City with Meredith Viera and I was telling her about Jesus. Oh, my...


  1. LOL! Oh, your first dream is just heartbreaking. But look at you...sharing the good news even in your dreams! :) I hope Michael visits your dreams many more times, in good ways, not sad.

  2. My mom died unexpectedly when she was 53 and, naturally, it was pretty devastating for me. I've dreamed about her several times and I really believe that God lets her "visit" me in these dreams.

    I always found the dreams comforting even when they were kinda weird. Oh, and I sure do have weird dreams too! Real head scratchers! But dreams to have some logic to them. For example, in two of your dreams, you're doing things you've never done before. Things you would have never thought you'd be doing. Kinda like your whole life right now. You're in costume in one of the dreams (hmmm.... that seems significant!). The pancake dream, to me, is about you focusing all of your attention on something so that you don't notice Michael is (or isn't) with you. The strangers at the table with you are all of the people in your life who don't really understand what you're going through. Or even friends who can't relate to why you have to cut up that pancake. Maybe your objective wasn't to cut it up small. Maybe your objective was, simply, to just keep cutting it and the pieces got smaller because of that.


  3. Your first dream is heartbreaking. When we were TTC I had many baby dreams, but I had one pregnancy dream that was so real that I woke up with my hands rubbing my tummy. Those dreams are hard.

    You are right, dreams are so weird. Your last dream is hysterical.

  4. Do you remember the movie "Always"? Holly Hunter and Richard Dreyfuss. She would recite her grocery list in her sleep. Anyway, Richard Dreyfuss dies, but he comes to her in her dreams. It will always be one of my very favorite movies ever. You and Michael have such a love, such a connection, death can't break that. Enjoy the dreams. One day you will be with him again!!

  5. I had a recurring dream when I was young that my father came back, he passed away when I was 3. It always scared me when I was young but now I think it was my subconscious trying to make sense with my Mom remarrying and that I was falling in love with my new Dad. Dreams help us to make sense of all the crazy things life dishes out and you have had a plate full. You are so right they are so wired and maybe you have a new calling as a talk show host.

  6. I'm glad that you are dreaming about Michael...even if it makes you cry...somehow, he doesn't seem so far away if you can see him in your dreams...

    Here's the address-link to a favorite of mine...it will probably make you cry...but I also think you will probably treasure it as I do...and find comfort in it, too.


    Love you so much! Janine XO

  7. Dear Joannah, your dreams of Michael are escorting you through such a difficult time. You love him so, and your pain is extremely deep. Yet, the Lord is your comfort, and he will provide all the grace you need, now and forever.

    Rest in your love for God and Michael. Rest, knowing God knows, cares, and understands every tear.



  8. I've done a lot of thinking about dreams since you posted this. I've always found the analyzing of dreams as hogwash. What I believe is that they are a result of our subconscious thoughts. I didn't dream about my little sister until she had been gone about 5 years. Many in my family were distressed because they hadn't dreamt about her. My dreams seem to relate to what is going on in my life and what stressors are most prominent. For example, our male cat turned on me one day last week which is very rare for him. He scared me with his aggressiveness. About two nights later, I dreamed he was attacking me in my sleep and I was more or less "paralyzed" and not able to defend myself from him. I managed to wake up but was unable to go back to sleep. He wasn't even in our bedroom that night...believe me, I checked when I woke up! Blessings to you...


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