Three weeks old today! I know she looks kind of grumpy in this picture, but she was just resisting her afternoon nap. Now she's slumbering away peacefully.
Michaela has brought so much joy, and so much change, into my life since her birth three weeks ago. Life as I once knew it is no more. Now it's all about her, and that's actually a welcome diversion from the way my life has been since Michael went home. That's not to say that she has replaced her father in my life or my heart, but she has filled part of the void that was left when he had to go.
Even so, there's not a day that goes by where I don't have this strong sense that he should be here. He really should. At least that's how my heart feels. Everything that Michaela is and has brought into my life should be something that Michael and I are experiencing together.
I should be able to see the look of love and devotion on his face while he holds her and tends to her.
I should be entertained by his choice of nicknames for her.
I should be able to hear him say her name.
I should be changing half as many diapers, and getting up half as many times in the night with her.
I should be able to eat my dinner while he holds her, and vice versa.
And so on...
And then there's everything that Michaela will not experience with him, as well. He was so good with children. He would have been such a loving and fun daddy. Why did he have to take so long to realize what was important in life? He missed out on the very best thing, and we're missing out on so much because he's not here.
Anyway, I've just found myself mourning what can never be in this lifetime for our little family. But it's something I need to process and come to terms with - in time. That's the thing about grief. There's always the chance that something new (or old) will bring up grief-related issues that need to be felt deeply and thought about carefully. This is just one of those things.