Three weeks old today! I know she looks kind of grumpy in this picture, but she was just resisting her afternoon nap. Now she's slumbering away peacefully.Michaela has brought so much joy, and so much change, into my life since her birth three weeks ago. Life as I once knew it is no more. Now it's all about her, and that's actually a welcome diversion from the way my life has been since Michael went home. That's not to say that she has replaced her father in my life or my heart, but she has filled part of the void that was left when he had to go.
Even so, there's not a day that goes by where I don't have this strong sense that he should be here. He really should. At least that's how my heart feels. Everything that Michaela is and has brought into my life should be something that Michael and I are experiencing together.
I should be able to see the look of love and devotion on his face while he holds her and tends to her.
I should be entertained by his choice of nicknames for her.
I should be able to hear him say her name.
I should be changing half as many diapers, and getting up half as many times in the night with her.
I should be able to eat my dinner while he holds her, and vice versa.
And so on...
And then there's everything that Michaela will not experience with him, as well. He was so good with children. He would have been such a loving and fun daddy. Why did he have to take so long to realize what was important in life? He missed out on the very best thing, and we're missing out on so much because he's not here.
Anyway, I've just found myself mourning what can never be in this lifetime for our little family. But it's something I need to process and come to terms with - in time. That's the thing about grief. There's always the chance that something new (or old) will bring up grief-related issues that need to be felt deeply and thought about carefully. This is just one of those things.
Oh friend, I'm sure that issue will be an ongoing process as she grows up. How can it not? There are so many milestones and events that he should be there for, but I do believe he *is* there in some way, in spirit. That's not a help to you when you need someone to hold her though! :( Still, also as she grows, she will become your closest companion and friend, and you will see more and more of Michael in her. xoxo
ReplyDelete((Hugs)), Joannah
ReplyDeleteIt is so good to see her. 3 wks, already?
ReplyDeleteIt simply cannot be easy trying to come to terms with all that was lost in his passing. He gave you the greatest gift in your daughter but how cannot you not miss sharing what you wanted so much to have together.
http://itiswhatitisorisit.net/
How can you not feel this way. Your right it is just part of the process.
ReplyDeleteAre you coming to Tahoe this summer? We are coming your way in July.
You are so right!
ReplyDeleteThe choices we make have such a lasting impact, we can never know what the future holds. Some of us are able to keep moving along, reaching for the stars, attaining our goals, and others wait, sometimes until it's too late. From the outside looking in, I see your life as having been on the same path since I've known you, the path to motherhood, it just took the long and winding and heartbreaking road to get there.
How my heart hurts for you and for Michaela... It is just not fair sometimes.
ReplyDeleteMy friend just lost her battle with leukemia and leaves behind her 4 kids and a husband. He struggles to find a new norm without her. Jennifer's one fear was her youngest not rememberig her one day, he is 6. I hope that is not the case.
I have no doubt that you will keep Michael in his daughters life until you all meet again.
Yes, it's all so bittersweet, isn't it? Michaela is definitely a huge blessing and joy, but Michael should definitely be here to experience everything with you. I happened to be thinking about that earlier today, and wondered if during Michaela's life as she grows up and learns about her daddy and sees and hears him through his music and videos, if she might dream of him sometimes, and if he would talk with and sing to her. Wouldn't that be cool? I will pray for her to have Daddy dreams.
ReplyDeleteThese feelings just seem totally normal... how could you help it? You're right about grief - you never know what sort of life change or circumstance is going to rev it back up.
ReplyDeleteShe is just so gorgeous. I LOVE that mop!
What a sweet baby!! It's great to read about your new school assignment--I taught for several years, and recognize that need for some fresh scenery... As for the shower situation, be encouraged that these initial weeks are the busiest, and she will soon settle into a rhythm that will allow you more time to take care of yourself. I'm also one who always has the baby in the carrier, in the bathroom, while showering/bathing. Right after a feeding--they are drowsy and content. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh Joannah, Michaela is just darling and his is an exceptionally well written and thoughtful post - so bittersweet.
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