Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day for the Fatherless

When Michael passed, I wanted pictures for the memorial service, so one of his brothers helped me find Michael's personal photo collection in our garage. Most of the pictures I'd never seen. They were from before we were married and so some of the people and places in the pictures remain a mystery to me. There were several of him with babies and little children, and they were hard to look at. They still are.

Here's one with him and his niece Kiana:

And here are the ones of him with other people's babies:

He was a natural with kids. His warmth and his own childlike nature just drew them to him. It is beyond unfortunate that he invested himself for so many years in another relationship with a woman who had a negative perception of marriage and family. It is also beyond unfortunate that he remained in that relationship once our paths crossed and we saw marriage material in one another.

This is part of our past that is a thorn in my side. Sometimes I am angry with him because of this, and now that Michaela has come to be, I hurt for her and that she has to wait to know her daddy. I just pray that she will grow up feeling some positive connection to Michael, and I know it's up to me to encourage that. Already, several times a day, I refer to him when I'm talking to her. I tell her that her daddy loves her. I comment that she looks so much like him. I mention little things he did or liked. It doesn't seem like much, but that's all I can do - paint a picture with words throughout her childhood of who he was. That and help her have an eternal perspective so that she knows that he is a part of her future.

However, I do wish we were celebrating this, what would have been Michael's first Fathers Day, as an intact family of three. I wish the day included cards and gifts for him, and a photograph of him holding his beautiful baby girl.


  1. Aw, friend. :( I wish these things for you too. But please don't think that your daily words to Michaela about her father "aren't much". They are EVERYTHING! She will grow up knowing that her daddy adored her even before she was born. She will grow up knowing exactly what she inherited from him -- her smile, maybe his musical talent, maybe his patience. She will grow up knowing her father -- even though she hasn't met him in person. XOXO

  2. It is so completely clear to me, from these pictures and from your description of Michael, that he would have made an incredible father.
    And, because I know you, I know she will grow up not only knowing so much about her father, but experiencing him through you. His music, his legacy, his life will live on through her. Big hugs to you on this day.

  3. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I thought today may be bittersweet for you. On days when you are missing him most, look at your sweet miracle daughter. It's then that you will see that he is here too.

  4. Today must have been tough and I'm sorry you and Michaela didn't have Michael to celebrate with. I love that you are talking about Michael to her and she will grow to love him as you did based on those shared memories and stories.

    It's hard not to think what if.....and I think if Michael knew his time here would be cut short, he might have made different choices so he could have more time with you and his daughter. I know that doesn't change anything, but I hope it helps to comfort your heavy heart. Thinking of you. Xoxoxo

  5. Joannah, I actually thought about you today and wondered how you were feeling with Michael not around. I don''t know what to say, except that I am confident that you will make sure Michaela grows up knowing her daddy. That does not in any way take away the pain of the fact that he is no longer here. Sending you many hugs...

  6. I am so sorry for the heartache and heaviness of today. I realize that it is not only today, but that today was more intense. I hope you will know that your gentle way of talking to Michaela about her Daddy will help her to always know Mommy sharing Daddy's life and love for her. You do paint the story of her Dad with words, but your heart will show her such love....a love from you and a love from Heaven...from her Daddy. She will know in her heart, without a doubt, how loved she is.

    I am just so sad for you today because I know what you want is him here...with the two of you. I get it. Thinking of you.....

  7. Oh Joannah. I so wish things could have been different for all of you. I'm so glad you have beautiful little Michaela, though, even though you have to do this alone and as hard as that is and will be. Love you.


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