Two years ago tonight, my husband was slowly slipping from this life to Eternity. He could no longer open his eyes, or respond in any way to me or anyone else. I can't really explain what I was feeling that weekend before he passed. I was overwhelmed, for sure. Loved ones came and went all day long. Not one to give in to my emotions, I know I kept up a brave front most of the time until Sunday night.
In those last couple of days, I know I took the time to hold Michael's hand and tell him some things that were on my heart. I'd been advised by hospice that it would be beneficial to tell Michael that it was okay for him to go. So, I remember telling him that. I also told him I'd be all right and not to worry about me. Michael was always very concerned about others' feelings. I told him that he'd been a good husband, and that he'd made me happy. I assured him that Jesus would meet him on the other side. That's all that I can remember telling him, and I know that it was enough. But, sometimes I wish I'd said even more. Of course, a lot of the things I'd want to tell him back then are things I've come to understand since he's been gone.
I've been thinking so much about him the last few days. Not a day passes that I don't think about him several times, but as I approach the second anniversary of his passing, I just keep thinking about so many things. For instance, on Friday I was teaching an art lesson on W. Kandinsky, and I remembered an art exhibit of a friend of Michael's that we went to the first year we were married. I hadn't thought about that in a long while. His friend's art was incredible, but some of the other art on display was just ridiculous and it had price tags on it that made our jaws drop. I told Michael to buy me some canvases. That I was going to splash some paint on them and slap a $10,000 price tag on them to pay for our fertility treatments. While we were there, Michael was anticipating that his friend, Jerry, might come. I had never met Jerry and wouldn't have been able to pick him out of the crowd. Michael kept teasing me by saying, "There's Jerry!" He fooled me a couple of times, but after that it just became a running joke for the rest of the evening. Jerry never did show up, but my husband was so much fun to be with! I could not have asked for a better partner and companion. He was just delightful to be around.
These two years without Michael have been better than I could ever have expected. I seriously did not expect to be able to function without him. I did not want to function without him. I think Michaela was exactly what I needed to feel that life was worth living again. But now that the getting pregnant, and the difficult pregnancy, and the newness of motherhood is over, I find that I am more and more lonely for Michael, though I've missed him all along. I long to see his incredible smile, and to feel his strong arms embracing us. Someday. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.
Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know. John 14:1-4
oh, honey....the 2nd anniversary is so hard...in some ways harder than the first. i totally understand and reading your words takes me back to my night 20 years ago. i have no words to make anything better as you know only Jesus can bring the true healing and peace that is so desired. my prayers are always with you...i wish you moments of peace as you go through this particularly challenging time of the 2nd anniversary...moments where you will not feel as sharply lonely as you do right now.... my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe it has been two years. I know I tell you often but I must tell you again...your strength & faith amaze me. You've handled Michael's passing just as we as believers should handle death but so often do not.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
Oh, what "Alex and Jill" said! You are such an inspiration! Micheal is so proud of you. And, you are such an amazing mommy! I am still voting every day for your blog! :)
ReplyDeleteI just love how honest your posts are about your feelings. I, too, am surprised to read that two years have already passed. I realized yesterday that in 25 days, I will have had my daughter for one year. It seems like only a couple months have passed. No matter what, time passes, and I just wish sometimes, quite often, in fact, that I could slow things down, just a bit, to catch my breath and reflect on what I have and what I'm doing, or should be doing in a single moment.
ReplyDeleteI have always loved your writing. This post is pretty much amazing. You are just lovely.
ReplyDeletelea
xo
ps. I didn't know you had a blog. I am so glad I found this.
This is beautiful, Joannah. So honest, heart wrenching, yet eloquent. Once again I am in awe of your faith and your strength. Anniversaries are hard and I can only imagine how much you miss Michael every single day. Sending you hugs...
ReplyDeleteThe girls were looking at the picture of Michael, and both made the comment that Michaela looks a lot like her Daddy... (While I do think she bears a very strong resemlence to Michael, she does have some of you too.)
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))). Anniversaries, both wedding and death must be terribly painful. I am so sorry. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteJoannah, so good to "meet" you. After I walked through these same events in my life, I find that I can now go eyeball to eyeball with people and claim the faithfulness of my Lord. It's been over 20 years, and the pain is gone but the confidence in Jesus is stronger than ever. He is so good to us. I'll be praying for you!
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