Just Checking In

I've spent the last two nights here on my own, and I've done really well. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying so! The first night I was a little restless and I found that my sleeping medication just didn't do the trick. My doctor had given me something else for anxiety and I took that about halfway through the night and slept well from then on. Last night was even easier. I stayed up so late working on a little project that I had no trouble getting to sleep.

My little project is converting my old blog into a book using Blurb. Eventually I want to remove the blog, but I wanted to have it as a keepsake of our marriage - our journey. I'm just getting started with it, and I'm excited to see how it will turn out.

I've been spending time with friends and family, but I'm also enjoying some time to myself. The last couple of months were so demanding that I didn't really have any time for that, and as an introvert I need some quiet time to recharge. I'm trying to finish the latest Diana Gabaldon book and catch up on the shows I've got on the DVR - both are a good distraction. And I listen to worship music - there's so much good music to comfort me. I'm hooked on Sara Groves' When the Saints right now. Consider these lyrics - they just speak to me:

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know

It's more than I can handle

But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones

and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought

with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard

I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

And when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind

it often overwhelms me

but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life

their courage compells me

And when I'm weary and overwrought

with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard

I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court

I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

And when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad

I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear

I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights

I see the sister standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor

I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road

I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

and when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

I want to be one of them

I want to be one of them

I want to be one of them

Like I said, those lyrics just move me and I find myself playing that song over and over again. My pain is not unique. Many have suffered and experience great losses. I am in good company, and when the saints go marching in I want to be one of them.

Emotionally, I'm finding that my grief is eased by knowing that Michael is safe and sound with the Lord. When I am sad or troubled, I remind myself of that. I imagine him healthy, happy, purposeful, and playing the guitar in some incredible heavenly worship session. He is well and I will see him again.

In 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, the apostle Paul writes:

And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus. ~ The Message

That's good stuff. I would be inconsolable if Michael had rejected Christ, but he didn't and so my grief is lessened. I still wouldn't wish my circumstances on anyone else, but I have a hope and a promise in Him and that's good enough for me right now.