Pursuing Peace

Since Michael's passing, I've learned that not only am I sad and lonely, but I now have all sorts of loose ends to tie up - mostly regarding financial things like disability payments and the death benefit from his pension plans. Of course nothing like that is ever easy. In fact, it's rather frustrating at times.

I'm also having to deal with my hurt feelings regarding Michael's family and their ongoing relationship with an ex-girlfriend of Michael's. It's a long story that I might blog about more someday, but I will tell you that this woman (who despises me) was welcomed by my in-laws to both the mass and memorial service. Her presence was hurtful to me, and I thought it really inappropriate as well. Anyway, I can foresee that she will be invited to family gatherings once again now that Michael is gone, and that's really concerning me. I just don't think I'll be able to handle that.

I guess because I like to have things figured out and resolved, these issues nag at me. Truthfully, the ex-girlfriend issue nags at me more than the financial issues do because it's a heart thing.

So last night, at that point in the evening when I miss him the most, I was really bogged down with all this stuff. My heart was heavy with sadness, loneliness, frustration, and anger.

I've been ending my days with time in the Word, so I picked up my Bible intending to read Psalm 37. But on my way there, I came across Psalm 34. I had highlighted some of the verses in that Psalm previously and they caught my eye. I took the time to read the entire thing, and the commentary about it. I have a Life Application Bible. All that means is that there is commentary on almost every verse in the Bible. It's useful for understanding scripture, and since it's a Life Application Bible, the commentary is geared towards how one can apply the scriptural truths to one's life. But, I digress...

I read it out loud. Buffy listened intently - she loves the Psalms. ;)

And it was all good, but a couple of things really resonated with me.

O taste and see that the Lord is good;

happy are those who take refuge in him. (Verse 8)

Depart from evil, and do good;

seek peace, and pursue it. (Verse 14)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted,

and saves the crushed in spirit. (Verse 18)

As I considered that Psalm, and continued to read Psalm 37, my heavy heart grew lighter and I felt encouraged instead of discouraged about my circumstances. That's the thing about the Word of God. It's not just words on a page. There's power in it if you are in Him, and it can soothe your soul like nothing else. I remember a few years back to a time in my life where I was a believer, but I did not spend time in the Word. The result was that I was easily overwhelmed by my troubles, and I wasn't having much impact in my life for Christ. As the body needs food for nourishment, the soul needs to be nourished by God's Word.

At this point, I was really drowsy, but I wanted a sneak peak at a new book I had received earlier in the day. I know one of my blogging friends recommended it, but I can't remember who right now. Anyway, the book is simply called Heaven and the author is Randy Alcorn. I ordered it because since Michael's passing I find comfort in knowing that he's in Heaven with the Lord and that I will see him again. That belief has driven me to want to understand all I can about the place where my husband is. There are a lot of books written about the afterlife, but I'm only interested in reading those that are aligned with what's in the Bible and that's what this book is all about. I just read the introduction and the first chapter last night, but I'm excited to keep reading and gain new insights about Heaven. It's my final destination, too.

All that to say that shifting my focus from the things that stress me out to the truth of God's Word went a long way towards calming me and preparing me for a restful night's sleep. God is good!