Time {Updated}

I find myself thinking about what we were doing this time last year. Sometimes a memory will be jogged by a receipt I come across, an old email, or a calendar entry. I did remember that our IVF was last March, and I looked back at my old blog to see exactly when all that took place because it had become nothing but a blur. Turns out that the three-day transfer took place on March 6th last year - almost exactly one year prior to the date of Michael's passing. What a difference a year makes.

When I think about this time last year, I remember that I was sorely disappointed that the IVF didn't work. But, I also remember beginning to reconcile the possibility that we may not be able to have children. We still had a lot of hope for our FET and some ideas of what we might do if that didn't work, but I was coming to terms with a life that might not turn out the way we planned. I know Michael was thinking the same thing because he told me we'd have a good life no matter what and we'd travel the world together. I think I gave him a raised eyebrow in response, but I did have the thought that somehow life would be okay if we weren't able to have kids so long as we were doing life together.

That really was a healthy response to a situation that I only had limited control over, and it spoke volumes about how happy just being with Michael made me.

So, this time last year he had that nasty cough and was going to see the pulmonologist, but other than that we were blissfully ignorant of what we'd learn in mid-May. We celebrated Easter with my family, started a daily walking routine, had a garage sale, and planted tomatoes for a summer harvest. Everyday was a good one just because we were able to share it.

Presently, I'm really struggling with the loneliness. I've been lonely for Michael before when we were separated by choice or because of his travel schedule, but he always came back. Our times apart were always short-lived. I truly believe that we'll be reunited one day and have all of eternity, but what about all the time between now and then? Time seems like an obstacle that needs to be overcome at best, or an enemy to be defeated at worst. And people say things like:

It just takes time.

It's going to take some time.

Give it time.

Time heals all wounds.

Time! Time! Time! On the one hand I didn't have enough, and on the other hand I it seems I have too much.

Updated:

After writing this earlier today, I searched the Bible for references to time. Of course I came across Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.

I have to admit that my response to these familiar verses was something like yada, yada, yada. They just didn't resonate with me at the time. But I went to church tonight, and Pastor Bayless was preaching about three seasons (times) of life we might find ourselves in. I don't think it was a coincidence that he was preaching on that subject. In fact, he said he planned to preach on something else, but felt led to change his message last night. The verses in Ecclesiastes were the first ones he referred to, and that made me smile. But as he continued preaching, he used 1 Peter 1:3-9:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

And 1 Peter 5:6-11:

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Using those verses he spoke about a season (a time) of trials, and using what I've bolded above he emphasized that these trials do not last but for "a while" or "a little while". Like spring turns to summer, and summer turns to fall, and so forth. Intellectually, I knew that. We all know that. But it was so good to be reminded.

I struggled with this post today because I wanted to end it with some hope - for my sake and for yours - but I was stuck. I was already planning to go to church tonight, and then Pastor Bayless posted on Facebook that he was going to be preaching about three seasons of life, and I knew I had to hear what he was going to say. I'm so glad I went.

In a while a new season of life will begin for me. That's a promise I can count on.