Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Time {Updated}

I find myself thinking about what we were doing this time last year. Sometimes a memory will be jogged by a receipt I come across, an old email, or a calendar entry. I did remember that our IVF was last March, and I looked back at my old blog to see exactly when all that took place because it had become nothing but a blur. Turns out that the three-day transfer took place on March 6th last year - almost exactly one year prior to the date of Michael's passing. What a difference a year makes.

When I think about this time last year, I remember that I was sorely disappointed that the IVF didn't work. But, I also remember beginning to reconcile the possibility that we may not be able to have children. We still had a lot of hope for our FET and some ideas of what we might do if that didn't work, but I was coming to terms with a life that might not turn out the way we planned. I know Michael was thinking the same thing because he told me we'd have a good life no matter what and we'd travel the world together. I think I gave him a raised eyebrow in response, but I did have the thought that somehow life would be okay if we weren't able to have kids so long as we were doing life together.

That really was a healthy response to a situation that I only had limited control over, and it spoke volumes about how happy just being with Michael made me.

So, this time last year he had that nasty cough and was going to see the pulmonologist, but other than that we were blissfully ignorant of what we'd learn in mid-May. We celebrated Easter with my family, started a daily walking routine, had a garage sale, and planted tomatoes for a summer harvest. Everyday was a good one just because we were able to share it.

Presently, I'm really struggling with the loneliness. I've been lonely for Michael before when we were separated by choice or because of his travel schedule, but he always came back. Our times apart were always short-lived. I truly believe that we'll be reunited one day and have all of eternity, but what about all the time between now and then? Time seems like an obstacle that needs to be overcome at best, or an enemy to be defeated at worst. And people say things like:

It just takes time.

It's going to take some time.

Give it time.

Time heals all wounds.

Time! Time! Time! On the one hand I didn't have enough, and on the other hand I it seems I have too much.


After writing this earlier today, I searched the Bible for references to time. Of course I came across Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

I have to admit that my response to these familiar verses was something like yada, yada, yada. They just didn't resonate with me at the time. But I went to church tonight, and Pastor Bayless was preaching about three seasons (times) of life we might find ourselves in. I don't think it was a coincidence that he was preaching on that subject. In fact, he said he planned to preach on something else, but felt led to change his message last night. The verses in Ecclesiastes were the first ones he referred to, and that made me smile. But as he continued preaching, he used 1 Peter 1:3-9:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

And 1 Peter 5:6-11:

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Using those verses he spoke about a season (a time) of trials, and using what I've bolded above he emphasized that these trials do not last but for "a while" or "a little while". Like spring turns to summer, and summer turns to fall, and so forth. Intellectually, I knew that. We all know that. But it was so good to be reminded.

I struggled with this post today because I wanted to end it with some hope - for my sake and for yours - but I was stuck. I was already planning to go to church tonight, and then Pastor Bayless posted on Facebook that he was going to be preaching about three seasons of life, and I knew I had to hear what he was going to say. I'm so glad I went.

In a while a new season of life will begin for me. That's a promise I can count on.


  1. I haven't lost someone as close to me as you have, but I always thought that it was wrong to say "give it time" because time is what is the hardest thing. Right after someone dies, you don't quite miss them yet because, well, they haven't been gone that long. And you're busy with the arrangements, the visitors, the cards...the business, for lack of a better word. But then all that subsides, others around you get back to their daily lives...but not those in mourning. And then as time goes on, the true "missing" begins. And it comes, I think, in subtle ways. One of my best friends lost her mom when we were in college and she said it didn't really hit her hard until she was blow drying her hair, waiting for us to pick her up, and she thought to herself, "My mom will tell me when they are here"...then she realized. I can't begin to understand what you are going through, but I can try to sympathize. It's a hard road and time may be your enemy for a while. I do think, however, that if you could think to a few years forward from now, you know you will be in a much better place than you are now. Perhaps that is the "time" to which everyone refers.

  2. I think about you all the time..
    I know in time you will heal but you will NEVER forget the LOVE each of you had for one another..
    LOVE YOU..

  3. Oh, I hate that saying also! Because, I don't think time "heals" wounds. I think you just live the best you can and you get more practiced at it over time. What is the blink of an eye for God is nevertheless a long time for us. :( I am so sorry you are lonely, dear friend. <3 Just know that you are loved!

  4. Oops I forgot blogger doesn't do facebook hearts, LOL.

  5. You are utterly amazing. The strength you exude is beyond me and I know that, although time is a difficult enigma, you will persevere. It's been only a few weeks, but I'm sure it feels like both a lifetime and blink of an eye. Time...a hard pill to swallow. Big hugs to you.

  6. I was thinking of you on Saturday and all the things you've been through in the past 2 1/2 years. I told myself that God doesn't give anyone more than they can bear. Then I said to myself that you are strong to have been given so much to bear. Then, I said to myself that you probably don't feel strong right now. When I read your posts, though, sometimes I know you feel strong and that at other times you may not feel so strong. But then you turn to God and the strength flows into you in various ways, whether it be through deeper understanding or a kindness that comes to you from someone else, or a special moment like when you realized your babies were with Michael in Heaven.

    I began thinking of family in my own church who couldn't conceive so they adopted 2 kids. When the second one was 3 months old they found out they were expecting a biological baby. Things were okay, though the delivery was rough, then another baby came along. Better delivery, but obvious problems. He was born with a rare leukemia and some kind of syndrome. After he was stable, the father was diagnosed with another type of leukemia. Treatment was successful. A year later, the mother was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer. Again, treatment was successful. The cause of the cancers is the result of pesticide exposure as children living near fruit orchards. All through this, though, the family's strength in their love and faith in God and Christ remained strong and carried them through, just like your faith is doing for you.

    You've already imagined what it would have been like if Michael hadn't accepted Christ as his redeemer. I'm glad you don't have to imagine going through your grief without God's comfort and the scriptures to find solace in.

    Now is your time to grieve and miss Michael and time won't heal. What happens DURING the time is what will heal. You will feel the love of close family and friends. You will notice beauty and it will fill your soul. You will become closer and closer to God because you keep turning to Him in your time of great need. You will serve others in some capacity and be filled with goodness. Just reading your blog, seeing how strong your faith is and reading the scrptures you post helps me realize I can stop worrying and turn my own lesser troubles over to God and know that if I, too, have faith and do as the Lord commands, things will all work out even though I can't see how right now. I thank you for that.

  7. K, I looked for a way to respond to your comments via email, but I couldn't seem to find an email address for you. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to comment like you do. Your words convey your kind heart and I found them to be very affirming. Thank you!

  8. This was a beautiful post. And the comments just added to the beauty and goodness of it.

    You will find your way, Joannah. The pain won't last forever. It will heal.. a little at a time.. until what's left is just a dull ache that you can carry much easier. It will always be a part of you now. But it will get more manageable as you walk through it and find the other side.


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