Monday, June 7, 2010

Three Months

I can't believe it's already been three months. Sometimes it feels like Michael left me a long time ago, but other times it feels like it was just a couple of weeks ago. My perception of time isn't what it once was.

So, how am I doing?

Sometimes I still feel like this can't be real. He must be on the road or something. He'll be back someday. But, I get that feeling less often as the time passes.

I sleep fairly well, and I dream of Michael frequently.

I am tired or low energy most of the time. My days tend to be very slow. I do the very least that needs to be done, and I don't beat myself up for not doing more.

I've lost at least ten pounds. Food just isn't a priority. I have no desire to make much of an effort to prepare a meal. But, I will eat well if I am out with friends or having dinner with family. I'm not starving, that's for sure.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Michael. At first I thought of all the things he'd done wrong that kept us apart for so long before we got married, and I felt angry. But, now I just think about him. Sometimes I reflect on the good times we had together, and oftentimes I use my "sanctified imagination" (as Randy Alcorn refers to it) to think about what it will be like to be reunited in Heaven and all the experiences we'll share then. Those are the thoughts that give me the most comfort because I prefer thinking about us in a future tense instead of a past tense.

I cry a little bit every day. Some days I cry more than just a little bit.

I still wear my rings, and I have no plans of removing them.

I have emptied out Michael's underwear drawer. Sorted his t-shirt collection and given a few of them away to a couple of his brothers. I decided to keep for myself the ones he wore most often. I don't wear them myself, but there's a comfort in having them here with me.

I loaded up his laptop with my stuff, and gave my old laptop to his brother Charlie. Every time I give something away, I get nervous. But I get over it shortly thereafter, and so far I haven't regretted any of the things I've passed on to his family members.

I'm trying to get used to living by myself again, but it's not easy. I really loved living with Michael. When I would come home from work in the afternoon, he would usually be practicing guitar. I really miss hearing him play. I miss our physical affection, all those hugs and kisses, his help around the house, his handyman skills, his cooking talents, and the sound of his voice and his laugh. Without those things, the house is very still and quiet from the time Buffy and I get up until we go to bed. There's an emptiness here without him and I don't like it.

I am lonely, but I am only lonely for Michael.

My faith has continued to grow, but there was a period of time in the last few weeks where I was having a hard time communicating to God. I just didn't know what to say. I was just thinking, "Now what, Lord?" I still don't have the answer to that question.

I spend a lot of time reading. Mostly Christian non-fiction, but I've read a few novels as well. I have read most of the New Testament, and I'm going to start in on the Old Testament over the summer. I can spend an entire afternoon out in my patio room just reading. I have learned so much. I think reading helps to direct my thoughts in positive ways instead of letting them wander to the dark places grief leads.

My future is still uncertain, but it always was. I just didn't know it before. Anyway, I can't see much past the next week. My days of planning things out are over for the time being. I try to live in the now as much as possible.

I have come to better understand suffering in this life, and that being a Christian does not mean I can avoid it. However, I do now that:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

God is going to do great things, amazing things. Here and in the eternity to come. Since he's a God of redemption and restoration, my losses will be nothing compared to my reward in Heaven. That didn't use to mean much to me because I hadn't suffered much, but now it means a great deal.

Three months...


  1. I'm crying with you, dearest Joannah...your words are beautiful...and so full of both pain and hope...My heart is so with you...You are beautiful, inside and out...and God is making extraordinary beauty of your pain...and touching us all! I love you, dear friend...Janine XOXO

  2. (((HUGS))) Joannah, keep putting one foot in front of the other one day at a time. My mother and I both had the oddest dreams of my father for several months after he passed away. Perhaps its the subconscious trying to make sense of it all. I remember some of the dreams being nice, and yet others were so bizarre it would throw our mind askew for days. My heart goes out to you.

  3. Oh, I think you are doing all the right things! I am so impressed by you. Directing your thoughts to the future...learning more about in the now...these are things that people who have never even experienced trials have a hard time doing. And yet, you do them with conviction and faith. Your reward in heaven will be beyond compare, I am convinced of that!

  4. It's hardly possible that it's been three months. I love the direction in which you are heading.

  5. So lovely to hear how you are and such an honest account too.

    "I still wear my rings, and I have no plans of removing them" - every widow I know is still wearing their rings years later, I think for them it's a constant reminder they are not alone, they are part of a union, a heavenly ordained union!



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