Monday, March 22, 2010

The Case of the Missing Condolences


Okay, I had a really hard time coming up with a title for this one. I don't know what compelled me to do a Nancy Drew, but bear with me.

Michael was a very successful professional musician. By "successful" I do not mean that he made a lot of money, because he didn't. What I mean is that he was given a lot of opportunities locally and internationally to play music. That's all he ever wanted to do.

The job by which I think he most defined his success was playing guitar for a well-known entertainer who shall remain nameless here. Michael played in that band for about fifteen years, traveling the world with them, and he was very well-liked by his boss.


When Michael was diagnosed, his boss seemed genuinely concerned and tried to help put us in touch with some doctors he knew. After what would be Michael's final performance with the band last June, his boss flew us home on his private jet so that Michael didn't have to endure the rigors of a commercial flight. We really appreciated that.

After that, we didn't hear from his boss much. Sometimes he would have his people call us and inquire how Michael was doing. Shortly before Michael discontinued treatment, we received a call from his boss and I had to take the call because Michael was showering. I would describe the intention of that call as purely information gathering, and I didn't really pick up on much compassion or concern for either of us. I did my best to answer his questions about Michael's condition (not that it was any of his business!), and I remember telling his boss that I knew Michael would enjoy talking to him, and I suggested that he call back later in the week.

We never heard from him again.

He did not attend the memorial service for Michael, even though he lives close enough to have done so, and he was not on the road at the time.

He did not dedicate the show the weekend after Michael's passing to Michael, or make any mention of his passing to his fans. Michael was a fan favorite. He had a high profile in the band.

He has not sent a card or flowers. However, I received a lovely card from his sister. I didn't even know he had a sister. She signed her name, and then she put "So-and-So's sister" in parentheses so I'd know who she was.

It's just so weird to me. I have heard from dozens of people who hadn't seen Michael in years, but heard of his passing. I've got a stack of sympathy cards you wouldn't believe. My home looks like a floral shop because so many bouquets have been delivered here. But his boss could not be bothered to send condolences in any way, shape, or form. I wish I knew why.

24 comments:

  1. wow. this just leaves me speechless.

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  2. People show their true colors (both good and bad) at times like these. Perhaps when some time has passed, you can write HIM a note and tell him you are hurt by his actions, or, I should say, his inactions.

    People do so much and they have no one to arrange things for him -- the man Michael worked for (I know who it is) has PLENTY of money and resources. He could easily have done something with very little effort. Try to focus on the positive, though...the best of people that also comes out in times like these. Stay strong :)

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  3. Uhm, money and talent are not an excuse for rudeness. People like this just don't make sense. (((HUGS)))

    BTW, did you see this photo of Michael with a fan? I just happened to randomly see it and hope his smile brings you a moment to smile through your tears, if not now, then hopefully one day soon... http://paulankathebest.multiply.com/photos/album/57/me_and_the_late_Michael_Anthony_Labrador_

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  4. Sandy, I did see that when I was searching the Internet last night. That's me to the far right in the brown jacket and white pants. We were in London for that show. Good memories!

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  5. How sad that he never took the time to acknowledge the passing of someone that was so important to him. My father often says: money and fame will can never buy manners and class as breeding has no price.

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  6. That is very sad. IT makes me mad sometimes when people who are in the industry use their celebrity status to make themselves immune to caring about anyone but themselves. I am sorry about that Joannah.

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  7. This happened to me when Jennifer died. A friend of mine (I would have considered her one of my best friends) that I had since kindergarten never called, didn't come to the funeral or the wake and never got in touch with me ever again. It was the weirdest thing. I cut all ties with her and have never spoken to her since. True friends are with you in the good and the bad times.

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  8. I'm sorry but THAT is just shitty. Especially after 15 years of dedication to his boss.

    That nameless guy has lost all respect from me.

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  9. It's so strange how people react to death. One thing I have learned is their behavior is not about us, it's about them. I don't even know if it's a character flaw or if people truly don't know how to deal with death and console their loved ones. When you said the call seemed like it was information gathering, my first thought was that he shut-off his emotions and treated it like "facts" for self preservation. Some people kick into survival mode and for each person that looks differently.

    I am really sorry he didn't reach out to you and show more respect for Michael. I really hope it was ignorance and not disrespect that caused his behavior.

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  10. Some people just don't know how to express sympathy and are afraid of saying the wrong thing. When I went through cancer treatment a few close friends remained silent. I think that they just didn't know what to say and felt awkward. Try not to be bitter and remember the good things that he did for your husband.

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  11. I am sooo sorry.. some people do things we would never understand...don't beat yourself up..
    Hugs..
    Love the new look.
    Love ya my friend..

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  12. When I found out who Michael's boss is, I have to admit that I was surprised because I didn't know he was still alive. He's an old man so maybe he's not really 100% aware of what's going on around him? It would be easier to believe that than think he intentionally disregarded the passing of a beloved member of his musical family.

    Donna
    Our Blog: Double Happiness!

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  13. Hey, just noticed the PRETTY blog design! I love it!!

    Donna
    Our Blog: Double Happiness!

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  14. I'm sorry that you didn't receive condolences from this person. It's a hard time to be hurt by those you thought were close.

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  15. Wow that is terribly ignorant, classless, rude, I could go on. It was very nice to hear that his sister was kind enough to acknowledge Michael's passing.

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  16. That's just awful, Joannah! It's so lovely to read that Michael was a fan favorite, that's not a surprise at all.

    btw - I really love how you updated your blog, it's so beautiful!

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  17. Joannah,

    This is must my theory so take it for what it is worth.

    IMHO I don`t think the lack of condolences is about Michael, or about you. I think this person is very uncomfortable with death and dying. I think that he deals with it by.... not dealing with it.

    I also think that he feels he may have been in a (financial) position to have done more and may be feeling very, very guilty.

    I do want to tell you that you have given me something to think about. I have a former friend who had stage 4 ovarian cancer. She was given 5 years to live. That was 8 years ago and she is still living. We had a falling out years ago. The last I heard she was in remission but that was a very long time ago. I have tried everything to make amends for our falling out, she is not at all receptive. I have accepted that.

    Recently I came saw an online picture of her. She looks to be in poor health. It makes me think the worst. I got to thinking about when ( and if, I hope she does not) she passes that I have no position as a mourner. Your post has made me realize that it will be important to her family that I at least send a card.

    Ok, I am not trying to bring my stuff onto your blog, but I felt you deserved to know that your open and honest post has made an impact.

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  18. I wanted to add an agreement with what another commenter said...that it is so nice to think of Michael as a fan favorite and it comes as no surprise. All the photos of him show that he had a "100-kilowatt smile" and I can imagine a crowd just going nuts for him! A happy thing to hold on to in the midst of the bad.

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  19. Very strange and totally insensitive...and ungrateful...so very, very sorry...But you can remember Michael as the wonderful man and musician that he was...and recognize that other people are not always what they seem to be...sigh. The boss' behavior is no reflection on Michael...but it definitely says something about the boss...I'm sorry you have to deal with this hurt on top of everything else. Love you, Janine XO

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  20. First, I love your new blog design, how lovely and peaceful!
    Second, I know because I am one, some people are just not comfortable with grief and loss and honestly *do not know what to do*. A dear friend lost her father long ago, and while I cried for her and ached for her, I did not call or write. I told myself I was leaving her alone to not bother her- but instead, of course, I was abandoning her -- I did not even think that way! I thought I was being thoughtful!

    So, some people may be hurtful knowing better, and some may be hurtful quite by accident, or for some, due to their own pain or loss, may simply not be able to reach out in a way that makes sense socially and personally.
    I have been that person too.

    BUT
    that is no excuse for me or the boss. Just perhaps an explanation of how else it may have come about- ignorance, avoidance...

    with love to you,
    Kate

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  21. Perhaps it is because the inevitability of death has cut to his core. It may just have made him look at his own mortality. Who can know the heart of man, but God?

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  22. I'm sorry Joannah. That is terrible. That pain doesn't fade either(at least not for me). I still remember the names of the people who could not bother to attend my Mom's memorial service and that was 13 years ago.

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  23. I think that a lot of people have absolutely no idea how hurtful doing nothing is. I experienced it myself in going through infertility tx and then dealing with this long, long adoption wait. People are afraid to say the wrong thing, or may just feel incompetant & therefore do nothing. That's the worst decision as it ends up feeling neglectful and insensitive.

    I'm not sure if this is what Michael's former boss is dealing with - but I think that it does happen a lot. It sure does stand out when you've been the recipient of overflowing love and support. I'm sorry that this puzzling absence has hurt you, Joannah. xoxo

    PS - I heard this poet read her work on NPR a while ago. She wrote a book of poetry about mourning her daughter who was murdered. She wrote about this very topic. I found it incredibly moving and insightful. Maybe you would, too? Here it is: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111218053

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