Friday, September 23, 2011

Work Stress = Grief

Sometimes I feel like I have a target on me at school. Mind you, I'm not unhappy at my new school. In fact, there are many good things about it, but something happened this week that was really hurtful and it's not entirely resolved yet. I just don't understand the contentiousness that some people bring to the table when dealing with their child's teacher. And I don't understand why it's not more obvious that so many things about public education are not in the teacher's control. I feel like a foot soldier who takes orders from commanding officers most of the time. The autonomy I once enjoyed about my job that allowed me to make decisions about how to deliver instruction and manage my classroom is almost non-existent now.

I was reduced to tears yesterday as I felt that I was being unfairly criticized and unsupported. After the last couple of years, I really need to have a school year in which I can feel successful and valued once again. That, or I need to win the lottery or find another profession.

Anyway, not having Michael to come home to and be my safe place just made my grief feel "newish" again. I longed to share my troubles with him and have him embrace me in his strong arms. But that's not going to happen at the end of a hard day, and that really sucks. I have great family support and lots of friends who love me and encourage me, but nothing compares to the love of your life sharing your burdens with you.

I was easily agitated when Buffy wanted out and then wouldn't come in the house at 11:30 last night (waking me up and robbing me of the little sleep I do get), and I had an angry cry over that. Then more tears on the way to work this morning as I felt like too much rests on my shoulders. I even threw a temper tantrum at God. Which is really stupid, and I even though I blame that on sleep deprivation, I have repented. Being angry at God is counterproductive and immature. He never changes. He's good all the time, and I need to seek Him when I'm troubled and persecuted.

I just hope and pray that this school year will be a peaceful one. Last year was just awful, and I'm not up for that kind of drama in my life.


  1. I know exactly where you are coming from! I have learned that I need to leave the Bay Area, probably the State and, possibly this country. Parents are not accepting responsibility for their children and expect us, their teachers and caregivers, to give more than they are willing to give themselves. Or, cannot understand that the world doesn't revolve around their child, that their child is one of many on this planet.

    I hate to sound "churchy," but I see such wickedness and sin around me that I fear for God's retribution to the likes of Noah's great flood.

    I'm tired of the almightly dollar ruling the world and people's intent being lost in political correctness. The heart of humanity is being ripped out in favor of measurable means, like the electronic recording of every communication in the workplace to kids living on phones and computers rather than facing and interacting with each other in wholesome, character-building ways.

    I'm very afraid for humanity, for my little family, because we are barely surviving the ridiculousness of the system.

    All I can say, you already know, and I take my own advice, keep your heart turned to Christ and have faith that if you live righteously, He will bless you and keep you safe, especially when it's hard.

  2. Joannah---here's what I tell myself over and over---Jesus wins! I've read the final chapter and it will be worth it all. I wish it didn't hurt so in the meantime. But like K said, God will bless you. Hang in there, someday you'll get all the hugs you've needed from Micael, and you'll hear that Well done, from your Savior. Love and prayers going out for you.

  3. Thank you for that, Ferree! You are so right. It's easy to lose sight of that when you feel ganged up on. I was blessed to have a dear friend read this post today, take my situation up in prayer, and give me a call to tell me that she is thinking and praying for me. I will put on the full armor of God before I walk into work this week. :)

  4. Praying for you, friend! I pray that someday you can teach at a Christian school. Although they are not perfect, I found so much more parent support and I had TONS more autonomy in the classroom! Plus, I loved having free tuition for my children, and being just a few steps away. I had great principals who would always cover for me if I want to go see a performance or go on a field trip with my sons' classes.
    Or better yet, that your ship will come in and you can be a full-time mommy at home! :)


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