Sometimes I feel like I have a target on me at school. Mind you, I'm not unhappy at my new school. In fact, there are many good things about it, but something happened this week that was really hurtful and it's not entirely resolved yet. I just don't understand the contentiousness that some people bring to the table when dealing with their child's teacher. And I don't understand why it's not more obvious that so many things about public education are not in the teacher's control. I feel like a foot soldier who takes orders from commanding officers most of the time. The autonomy I once enjoyed about my job that allowed me to make decisions about how to deliver instruction and manage my classroom is almost non-existent now.
I was reduced to tears yesterday as I felt that I was being unfairly criticized and unsupported. After the last couple of years, I really need to have a school year in which I can feel successful and valued once again. That, or I need to win the lottery or find another profession.
Anyway, not having Michael to come home to and be my safe place just made my grief feel "newish" again. I longed to share my troubles with him and have him embrace me in his strong arms. But that's not going to happen at the end of a hard day, and that really sucks. I have great family support and lots of friends who love me and encourage me, but nothing compares to the love of your life sharing your burdens with you.
I was easily agitated when Buffy wanted out and then wouldn't come in the house at 11:30 last night (waking me up and robbing me of the little sleep I do get), and I had an angry cry over that. Then more tears on the way to work this morning as I felt like too much rests on my shoulders. I even threw a temper tantrum at God. Which is really stupid, and I even though I blame that on sleep deprivation, I have repented. Being angry at God is counterproductive and immature. He never changes. He's good all the time, and I need to seek Him when I'm troubled and persecuted.
I just hope and pray that this school year will be a peaceful one. Last year was just awful, and I'm not up for that kind of drama in my life.