Sunday, November 7, 2010

Eight Months

It's hard to believe that it's been eight months already. There are no words to describe how much I miss Michael. I think about him all the time, and I reflect on all the good things we shared and were able to do in our short marriage. The picture above is from a quick trip we took to northern California in June of 2007. We stayed at a really neat place in Guerneville nestled amongst the redwood trees. It was kind of rustic, but they had a great restaurant on site. The purpose of our trip was to check out the venue at which we got married that fall. I wish I could say it was a romantic trip, but he was dealing with a lot of guilt about leaving another relationship to marry me. He was a reluctant groom until we got much closer to the wedding. By then he embraced his decision and we were both really joyful and content with our decision.

Speaking of our wedding, this coming Thursday would have been our third wedding anniversary. It's a shame that we had such a short time together here on Earth. But there are some things that I've come to understand in the last eight months and they are comforting.

Michael's days were numbered - and so are mine, and so are yours:

. . . And in Your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. (Psalm 139:16)

Michael entered the presence of the Lord as soon as he left my presence:

We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. (2 Corinthians 5:10)

He is experiencing the wonders of the present Heaven, worshiping the Lord, and enjoying fellowship and friendship with others. I imagine he's got a pretty busy social life hanging out with new friends and making music, and maybe even playing a game of pick-up basketball. I also believe he is missing me and his family and friends, and that Heaven won't be complete for him until we're there together.

I see my life here as a journey to Heaven and our reunion. I must be here for a reason, and I will continue to share my story and point to Jesus as long as I have breath in the hopes that someone who is weak in their faith will be strengthened, and that someone who has no faith in Christ will consider His claims. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." (John 14:6) He is the way to Heaven.

There is no way that I've gotten through these last eight months like I have except that the Lord is my strength and my hope. Without Him and His promises, I would be in bed hiding from life. That's me without Him and the truth of His Word. When dark thoughts linger, and I'm struggling with the loneliness and all of my shattered dreams, I consider His Word and His precious promises and I am strengthened and comforted, and someday I will see what now I can only believe.

The most comforting thing of all is that I know that Michael is a bigger part of my future than he is of my past. Once I get Home, our time together will never be limited again. Praise God for that! Come quickly, Lord Jesus!


  1. Joannah, I don't know if these are sad tears for your loss or happy tears for your strength and for your future, but I am weeping as I read this. I heard a song this morning that said, "My soul is part of Your plan"...Thank GOD we are part of His plan!! I can only IMAGINE the party we'll have in Heaven!!

  2. Joannah, understanding and relating to all that you shared. I love the comment about how Michael is a bigger part of your future than of your past. I recall vividly after Paul died and my priest was called to our home. I was hysterical and he told me to remember that our time on earth is a speck in the wind, that it is a grain of salt in size compared to all of eternity that we would spend together. You have it sooooo correct. You and Michael will have such great joy and time will not be a measured "thing" in Heaven. I am thinking about you as this week will be a very challenging one because you are living in the earthly world and experience the pain and the longing for Michael. As you go through your Anniversary, and there is no easy way except to go through it, keep drawing close to the Lord. BTW, I was angry that I couldn't buy anniversary cards for a spouse so I went and bought one anyway. I wrote a long letter to Paul. I just tucked it away in a book, but felt better getting to do that physical act. I also went out to eat with someone in my family on our anniversary. Not so much to celebrate as rather to not be alone. It is a happy day with wonderful memories, but the pain is so raw and so searing in the first few years it is difficult - but very possible. As I did with the grace of God, so will you make it through, step by step. Praying for you, Sarah

  3. Joannah, you are truly a beautiful woman--inside and out...and an inspiration to everyone who knows you!! Michael must be so proud of you! And yes!!! You have a beautiful future together! Just stopping by to say "hello" and to give you my love!!!! Janine XOXO

  4. I just found your blog and wanted to say how much my heart aches for you! I can't imagine the struggle you go through each day. It is such a beautiful thing that you are both children of the King and that you know you *will* meet him again, one day. My deepest sympathies for you during this time. Keep leaning on the strong arms of the One Who loves you most! :)


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