Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Today is Cinco de Mayo. Not a terribly important holiday to me personally, but nevertheless one that made me stop and think about what we were doing this time last year.

I remember coming home from work and wanting to go some place where we could get a taco and a margarita. I think I had to push Michael to go out that night. I don't remember why. Maybe he was feeling tired, but this was before he was diagnosed so our life was still normal. We ended up at El Torito and they had super cheap drinks and food in their bar area. We left before it got too crowded and noisy. That's all I remember. Aside from it being Cinco de Mayo it could have been any other night after work as we frequently went out to eat.

Remembering this earlier today intensified my grief. I've just been missing him like crazy. We had such a nice life together.

I think this is just a taste of what's to come in the months, and perhaps years to come. There will be many occasions and dates on the calendar that bring back memories and refresh my grief. People experiencing these kind of things in the first year after a loved one's death refer to them as "firsts". I wish there were some way to avoid them, but I know there isn't.


  1. I would imagine all the Firsts will bring upon some bitter-sweet emotions. I smiled when I read that you went to El Torito last year for Cinco De Mayo. My last Cinco De Mayo celebration was in SoCA at El Torrito as well, and I remember a similar arrangement. Sometimes I wonder if we have ever crossed paths.

    Back to you...I don't know what Grieving looks like, but if I had to say so with my very non-professioanl opinion, everything you are doing seems really really healthy. And I don't say that to analalyze you, but rather to let you know that these firsts are not setbacks at all, so know that as they arise you are still making progress, whatever that means ;)


  2. I can't say anything better than Kim did. I am praying none-the-less that you do take the time to remember special moments on all the "firsts," but that they are more pleasent memories than bittersweet.


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