After spending the previous week in Hawai'i with my family, we returned home. And on this day last year Michael had his nephrectomy, or the day his left kidney and the tumor were surgically removed. Everything went so well. His cough seemed to improve and he was up and walking around in no time. Michael came home just a couple of days after the surgery and he recovered nicely for the first two or three weeks. We were hopeful that he would start HDIL-2 soon afterward, and that we'd get the cancer in remission and keep enjoying our life together. But that was not to be.
It's still hard to believe that just one year later he's not here. Whenever these significant dates come up on the calendar, I find myself in more of a funk than usual. I can't help but reflect back on where we were and contrast that to where I am now. Life was difficult then, but at least we were fighting the fight together. I wouldn't want Michael to be here now if he was still suffering, but I miss sharing the journey with him.
Joannah, It is so natural for you to recall all these dates from a year ago and to compare them to now. This year will be challenging in that way. Remember that you can feel in a funk, or laugh, or cry, or write, or question, or scream, or smile, or do whatever you need to do - without judgement from others. This is YOUR journey and YOUR grief. I admire you for sharing all of your feelings with those of us who read your blog and support you from near and afar. With you, Sarah
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry that this is still so raw for you and it just can't be easy looking back just months and years ago. And I would imagine with healing, some things get easier while others get harder. It must be a two steps-forward, one backward feeling.
ReplyDeleteI wish you didn't have to go through it, but I am thankful that we get to read the stories and learn about your story and relationship with Michael. As always, thank you for sharing with us. xoxoxoxoxox
I think old girlfriends write that kind of remark ;)
ReplyDeleteoops, my remark went under the wrong post, that was meant for the "who does this" post.
ReplyDeleteLife has crashed and is off-kilter for you right now. Asking yourself what was happening in your life one year ago today is a normal and healthy way to regain your balance. It's a struggle and incredibly painful --? Yes, of course it is. You and Michael shared a deep, abiding and wonderful love--it's not something you just shake off. It's hard for others to understand why you're not "over it" in a couple weeks (we all have friends like Job's "comforters" in the Bible). But I think you're doing remarkably well.
ReplyDeleteThis has helped me a lot, especially the bit about wondering what the journey would have been like. It is the anniversary of my Dad's death, I wonder what it would have been like to have a father who I remember, whose voice I know, I wonder what the journey of life is like with a Dad. I take comfort in your words.
ReplyDeleteYour love for Michael is so strong and I find that Biblical and beautiful!
As I typed that Bookends by Simon & Garfunkel started playing
ReplyDelete"Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
a time of innocence, a time of confidences
long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
preserve your memories, they're all that's left you"
((((hugs)))
Kate, I did not realize that you had lost your dad at such a young age. I'm so sorry. When we lose a loved one whether it be a spouse, or a parent, or sibling at such a young age, we just can't help but wonder what life would have been like if they were still here with us. It leaves a gaping hole in our lives and our hearts.
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