Today has been a pajama day. I woke up much too early and have found that I possessed very little motivation to get dressed and do much of anything. The weight of last week's events is heavy on my heart. Added to my feelings of grief is this perplexity - this Why?
Why does everything have to be so hard for me?
Why am I a widow?
Why am I childless?
Why can't I have my husband's babies?
Why does my job have to make me so unhappy?
What is your will for me, Lord?
Sounds like a big ole pity party doesn't it? Well, there might have been a little self pity going on, but more than that there is a sincere desire to understand.
That last question is a big one for me these days. I think any Christian living through a season of loss and/or difficulties must ask that question. When things are going well, I don't think we give it much thought. Things are good, so this must be what God wants for me. When things aren't going well, it's a question that's hard to avoid. Things are really, really bad. Is this what God wants for me right now, or am I experiencing these things so that I can be redirected to His will for me?
As much time as I've thought about all that, prayed about it, and so on, I still don't have an answer. There's a lot of Biblical teaching about all the blessings available to us because of what Christ did on the cross for us. I printed out six pages of scriptures pertaining to God's will for His people to be fruitful and multiple, about His love for children, about children being a blessing from God, and about women in the Bible who overcame infertility by God's provision - Sarah, Hannah, Rebekah, and Elizabeth. I meditated on those verses earlier today and I will continue to do so. I believe the supernatural can overcome the natural, although I can tell you from experience that it doesn't always work out that way and I don't know why. But I do know that God's ways are not my ways:
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
But at the heart of all of this is that big question - What is God's will for my life?
I really want to know.
I can tell you what I've always wanted for my life. From the time I was in my late teens or early twenties I just wanted to get married and have a family. I wanted a big family, too. I was thinking four kids would be nice. I would never have imagined that I would have a career or an advanced degree, not that those are bad things. I just thought I'd be raising all those kids, managing a home, and caring for my husband. That desire has been so deeply rooted in my heart that quite honestly I've always felt like a fish out of water in my own life. This was not the way it was supposed to be - according to me, anyway.
Was there some other calling on my life that I just didn't pick up on?
Was there some other path I was supposed to take that I was too blind to see?
Ugh! I just don't know and I hate that. Thus the perplexity, and the hurt. There's a lot about my life that hasn't lived up to my expectations.
Anyway some of the things I'm clinging to today are:
1. I need to continue to put my trust in the Lord. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
2. I need to continue to seek Him instead of isolating myself from Him in my hurt and confusion. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:33-34
3. God is good and He is the giver of all good things. For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. Psalm 84:11
Now, I would really love to hear from those of you who have been walking with the Lord for a while. It would really bless me for you to share the wisdom you have gained in your relationship with Him. How do you seek and find God's will for your life? What verses in the Bible have given you direction, strength, and/or comfort when you're perplexed about life?