Saturday, July 10, 2010

Beta #2 and a Big Decision

Today's results weren't what we all were hoping for. My HCG was just 4. So, this was just another chemical pregnancy. I'm okay right now. I think I dealt with most of the negative feelings on Thursday.

Since then, I've had time to give serious consideration to another round of IVF with Michael's frozen sperm, and I've decided that it's something I want to do. I figured out how to pay for it - that was the greatest obstacle.

Now I'll wait for my period to start, and hopefully my ovaries will be in a good place to begin IVF this next cycle. I have to get this done before I have to report back to school the first of September. I feel pressured for time in that regard.

I can't believe I'm doing this again! But I just want to finish what I started with Michael. This is my last chance at motherhood. I don't think I will endeavor beyond this.

Thank you for all the love you've shown me and the prayers you pray on my behalf. I am so blessed to have so many friends to lift me up on this journey. One of the things I pray is that you will be blessed for carrying me in prayer like you do.


  1. Joannah ~ with you in thought and prayer every step of the way. Have no regrets. I am so proud of you for the faith you are showing. I pray that you will find the path to becoming a mother that God has planned for you. I pray for your endurance and for your health throughout this time. I pray for you to know how surrounded in love you are. ~Sarah

  2. Joannah, I have been stalking your profile all day today as I prayed for better news. We all don't know why this cycle wasn't successful, but we are assured that it's just a puzzle piece in God's will for your life. It's hard to see Him in the vally, but I assure you He is there...and this particular child is resting in the arms of his/her father, Michael. I admire your strength and determination, and like so many others, I want you to have your every hearts desire (because you deserve it more than anyone else I know!) we continue to pray and wait knowing God will answer in His time.

  3. Oh, Elaine said everything I am feeling so beautifully! I agree that you must follow this path to the conclusion, and I am praying that the conclusion will be a baby here on earth for you to cherish. :)

  4. They say everything happens for a reason..BUT it still makes no sense to any of us. I am so sorry and I am praying for you. I really do feel you will be a mom someday one way or another.
    Hugs to you!!

  5. Joannah, I am so sorry that this did not turn out as we all hoped. I too feel that someday soon you will become a mother. My prayers are with you today and along this difficult journey.

  6. I am sorry this did not turn out the way we all had hoped, they way you deserve. I am glad you are going on with another IVF. I am sure it is what Michael would have wanted.

  7. I'm so sorry that this was not your time. But happy to hear that you are going to press on. Praying for you.

  8. We just got home (from Italy) last night and I'm so sorry I missed your entire IVF transfer and 2WW. I was so sad to see that it wasn't successful but happy to read that you'll give it one last try. Big hugs!!

    Our Blog: Double Happiness!

  9. You are an amazingly resilient woman!!! I adore you and I am so excited you are moving forward with IVF. I will continue to pray for you my friend, you deserve a somewhat happy ending...having Michaels child would be the next best thing to having him back. xoxoxoxoxoxox

  10. I'm so sorry it didn't work this time around. But will continue to say prayers that the next one does. You'll have your child someday soon.

  11. Here's some more love - xoxoxo

  12. I am behind you 100%.. I sooo know your time for Motherhood will be here soon..
    you are always on my mind..
    Michael is watching over you all the time

  13. Oh, Joannah, I am so sorry to read this.

    I admire your resolve to make your dream of having a child with Michael a reality and support you 100%.

    We will be here cheering you on as you cycle again.

    Give yourself a big hug.

  14. I am very, very sorry that this transfer didn't result in a pregnancy. Michael now has two more children with him in Heaven, but that leaves your arms empty, for now.

    After reading many, many fertility blogs, I notice that a lot of women take progesterone after the transfer. Do you know why is helpful for some women? After so many attempts, I can't help but wonder why your RE isn't more aggressive in finding out why your embryos don't implant.

    I'm glad you have one more try. Starting now, I hope you can go hold babies and hang out where babies are. Go to baby boutiques and drool over little outfits. When I trained as a doula, the instructor warned us that being steeped in baby and pregnancy stuff makes us more ready to conceive. It's having to do with why women who live together have their cycles together, a pheramone thing, probably.

  15. K, thanks for stopping by and for being a faithful encourager.

    As for progesterone, my doctor has always had me take it in one form or another after my IUIs, IVF, and now the FET. This last time I had to have 1cc of progesterone in oil twice a day. My mom, Michael's mom, and my sister have become expert injection givers. Progesterone is produced by the body naturally, but as we age our progesterone levels drop as we enter perimenopause. At 42 my levels have been a bit low for a while now.

    Unfortunately, I really don't have any babies in my life right now. My nieces are teenagers and most of my friends' children are big kids, too. I'm way behind on this motherhood thing.


  16. K, one more thing...

    Due to my age, the quality of my eggs may not be ideal, and there's a chance that Michael's cancer negatively impacted the quality of his sperm. I don't exactly know how much they can determine in the laboratory.


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