Monday, July 5, 2010

Four Years Ago

After several months of a complicated paper chase, four years ago today my adoption dossier was logged in with the China Center for Adoption Affairs. When I had decided to adopt from China in the fall of 2005, the wait was only about six months long. But by the time my paperwork was finished it was stretching out, and if I hadn't forfeited the adoption to marry Michael I would still be waiting for my referral today.

So much has happened in those four years. I forfeited the adoption thirteen or fourteen months after I was logged in with China. There was nothing I wanted more than to marry Michael, and so I have absolutely no regrets about walking away from the adoption process. After our November wedding, we began fertility treatments right away. In the first eighteen months of our marriage we did five IUIs and an IVF.

I wish I could be sure that everything I've done to become a mother in the last five years would result in a positive pregnancy test on Thursday (for starters). If life was fair, I suppose that would be the case. But life isn't fair, and I've only known disappointment and heartache when it comes to my lifelong goal of being married and having children.

Nevertheless, I remain hopeful. The past doesn't determine the future. With God all things are possible.


  1. Wow has it been that long? I remember when you walked away from the adoption...I was thinking I was not sure I would have done the same, and I was admiring (still do) your courage and trust in God. Life is not fair. It stinks and it's heartbreaking and I hate it. But God is good and beautiful and someday we will be with Him and all this messy life on Earth won't matter! And you are SO right in that the past does not determine the future! So many people live like that. :( I am praying and praying for you!

  2. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers that this Thursday you will realize your dream!

  3. But the love you've given along the way as a friend, a wife, a waiting mother has been enormous. Amidst the heartbreak you are strong and full of grace. I have no doubt the beautifully crazy mommy path will be yours one way or another.

  4. I am hoping, hoping, hoping for a positive result (in fact, I've been watching my reader in the hopes that you did an HPT that was +).

    Thursday is almost here (but let us know if you cheat :)

  5. You've been through so much and my heart breaks to think of all you've endured. Sending positive thoughts and continued prayers your way.

  6. Keep positive thinking my friend..
    I really think you will have babies to care for really soon..
    I told you I had this feeling you would try this soon and I think it is your time to be fully blessed.. you have had a hard road and you are super tough and you are going to make this work also..
    Michael is watching over you and he is right there with you ..
    You WILL be a MOMMY..
    positive thinking my friend..

  7. Hoping and praying for you, as always. You are going to have a lot of "hands" holding yours when you take that test on Thursday.

  8. Yes..with God, all things are possible! SO many positive thoughts for you my friend and many more prayers as well.

  9. I'm hoping and praying this dream comes true for you.

  10. I just tuned in here, but am assuming ... wait you said you were hopeful about a pregnancy test ... I'm confused ...

    mom of parisienne farmgirl


  11. Oh Joannah, it just has to be your time for some extraordinary news. Praying that is what God delivers on Thursday! You have so much love to share and I just am hoping and hoping for a positive result for you. Keeping you surrounded in prayers and love, Sarah

  12. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  13. Tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow is the day! I'm so excited for you, and I more importantnly, I'm praying!!!!!!!!


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