Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Who Does This?

Here's an email I received earlier this evening from

I read your blog on occasion and you sound so miserably unhappy all the time, as though nothing is going well in your life. I hope you feel better soon and are able to think about and do things that make you happy. Therapy might help. The counseling you received did not seem to help you so perhaps you might want to think about going to a cognitive psychologist who can help you reframe the issues that you talk about. At this point in your life old girlfriends shouldn't be bothering you. I hope you are able to focus on other things soon.

Jackson, please don't read my blog anymore, and if you just can't help yourself please don't bother commenting or sending me your thoughts via email. You obviously have no clue or compassion regarding what I've gone through in the last year.

A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.
Proverbs 18:2


  1. I'm thinking that "on occasion" means "not at all". HELLO! "as though nothing is going well in your life"...well let's lost your darling husband and your babies, and your job situation stinks...
    Honestly? I think you are handing these "things" with grace and dignity, my friend. Unless "Jackson" has walked in your shoes, he/she has no place to comment on how you are "handling" YOUR life!!

  2. Joannah, I think we all know who needs the cognitive psychologist. And Ted is more than willing to go and "reframe" some of this guy's "issues", too.
    Take care, Friend. Know that you are loved!

  3. Dude you need to take a hike!!

  4. Wow, that is the epitamy of rude and I would bed to guest what is going on in that persons life that they feel the need to attack a fragile person, who has not only demonstarted Grace and strength during one of the most difficult times of her life, but has done so in one of the healthiest ways I have ever seen.

    This person is hiding behind an email address and if they want to offer support they could do so simply by blogging.

    Joannah: Please do not take any of what this person said to heart. It was not said with love and genuine concern for you.


  5. Are you KIDDING me?? Really? This person not only THOUGHT these incredibly dismissive things, but actually had the tactless nerve to write them down and hit send? I don't get it. I truly don't understand people and I don't think I ever will. You know, we live in a society where grief makes people uncomfortable and where people would rather sweep feelings under the rug (via eating too much, drinking too much, being promiscuous, etc.) than actually FEEL them. Grief isn't pretty and is not an obstacle to get over. It is a process and a journey and every single step and realization is an important part of working through it.
    You are loved, you are supported and you are doing everything right as far as your own journey goes.

  6. Oh my goodness, are you kidding me? I'm at a loss for words, but please don't take the words of this cold and calloused person to heart. There are plenty of us here to love and support you. Hugs.

  7. Good question....Who does this? Somene who looks in the mirror, sees a miserable excuse of a life, and then reflects what they've seen in the mirror about themselves on someone like yourself - that's who!

    Know that you are loved, you are respected, you are admired for the way in which you have handled the beautiful life you and Michael shared, to the "in sickeness and in health" part, to the grieving process. Which most of us can only stand back, watch you and pray that we could be half the woman you've been through this entire process. When I think of you sweet lady, I don't think of loss, I don't think of sorrow, I don't think of a sad, unhappy, miserable person. I think of someone whose life has been extremely difficult the past few years; yet, you carry yourself with degnity, and pride, and great strength and courage and beauty. And not only that, you've been able to allow so many of us to share in that walk with you. Anyone with a heart and some common sense would be able to see that you are a person who has chosen to walk through this process instead of around it and you've done it with God as your strength. I admire you and respect you far more than mere words can express. Sending you much love, respect and many prayers!

  8. I think that it is a common problem in our American culture that we do not afford ourselves or others the time needed to grieve. It is a process, and it takes time. Joannah, your blog is a place for you to externalize your feelings as they come up - and that is very healthy. I'm glad to hear that you are not letting this comment come between you and what you need for your own heart, and your own process...xo

  9. Aside from thinking that email was rude and bizarre, it did not hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say I'm exactly miserable, but my gosh, if I was who could blame me? I've experienced a great deal of loss in a short time (pregnancy losses, my husband, my grandmothers). I've had enough counseling to know that grief takes time, and four months is hardly enough time to bounce back and be Miss Merry Sunshine all the time.

  10. This person is a moron, Joannah.
    Sending you nothing but hugs and positive thoughts :-)

  11. Sending you all the hugs you need! People who do that only think of themselves and that's it.

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  13. A doctor told my friend Catherine that most people who have friends who lost a loved one believe that 2 weeks is the normal grieving time. When they haven't lost anyone close to them, they don't understand that everything around them reminds them of their loss and just doing the paperwork involved with death takes a year! How can one possibly stop grieving when there are constant reminders of the life you built together around every corner, knocking on your door, arriving in the mail, etc.?

    Apparently, "Jackson" has been watching too much TV and expects resolution like the 1 hour dramas they watch.

  14. Wow, who knew there was a sociopathic narcissist named Jackson reading this blog? The sad thing about his comment is that he likely truly believed it was helpful.

    And, believe me, if you were "up and at 'em" happy seeming all the time, a whole slew of other people would descend upon you worried that you weren't processing your grief or that you were in denial.

    You can't win for losing. Keep doing what you are doing for you and never mind the noise.

  15. Seriously. I am so angry at this unknown person right now. You have every right to feel whatever you feel, for as long or short as you feel it, to whatever intensity you wish to feel it. You may recall that I shared with you how others somehow felt they could "judge" me on how long I was grieving. This reminds me of just that. For gosh sake, losing a spouse earns you the right to feel and to grieve and to heal, slowly, from the loss of such a great love. I am just shaking my head and hoping that he never reads/comments again. You have support from those of us who have truly been there and have walked the journey or losing a spouse and from those who have not but love and understand and support you as a sister in Christ. Try very hard to shake his comments off. with love, Sarah

  16. Interestingly enough, this was my daily devotional from GriefShare today. People like "Jackson" just don't understand the nature of grief:

    One-Flesh Relationship
    Day 117

    A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again.

    "When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway. "It's as if you've had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don't really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There's no formula."

    The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh.

    "The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman," for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24).

    When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound.

    "Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us," says Beth.

    Lord God, a part of me is gone and will never be recovered. What do I do now? Amen

  17. Beautifully written devotional today and I agree with it totally. Now, if we could get others to understand. I guess over the years I learned that they are never going to understand unless they experience it. Very true that there are lots of people like "Jackson" out there who just do not get it at all. It is like a unique club for which you and I never wanted to become members of, but now we are. Now we are left to figure out the "what do I do now?" part. I do find myself still adjusting. Thanks for posting this devotional. It might help some see things a little differently. It states feelings so well. Hugs, Sarah

  18. "I read your blog on occasion and you sound so miserably unhappy all the time, as though nothing is going well in your life" OMGosh!!! Has she not read what you have been through this last year..I am SHOCKED! She is not reading the same blog as I am as I am amazed at your strength as I honestly do not know how you keep going. You have had more on "your plate" these last months then most people have in a life time.

  19. People just never cease to amaze me with their ignorance. I have no other words for this moron. I'm sorry you had to be subjected to their unhappiness.


  20. SERIOUSLY? Who on earth could lack so much compassion? I feel for you every day of my life and I am actually always surprised and inspired by how upbeat you can hopeful and spiritual...despite your trials. That person should be utterly ashamed. I wonder if it is the "ex" in disguise.

  21. Pardon me, Joannah ...this may or may not sound very biblical ...what an ass.

  22. Oh Joannah I am so sorry.

    Sadly I think many people lack empathy and as a result life is only about them and how they feel at this point in time, all they can do is snarl at others or snipe as a defense of how little they care and understand. I feel incredibly sad for these people and pray for them often because I don't think they understand true joy, love or feeling. I can't imagine how sad that is, to live in that way.

    Life is beautiful, tragic, joyous, challenging...our ability to feel is God given and the crutch that allows us to heal through Him.

  23. I'm a bit behind...I just read this post. What Jackson doesn't realize is that we as readers are learning so much about our own lives through your experience. Jackson slapped all of us in the face with that post.

    Joannah, what I like is that you have enough positive things going on in your life that you are strong enough to confront a disrespectful, self-righteous onlooker. You didn't just sit back and allow those comments to exist without confronting them. I am privileged to be part of your journey.


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