Very low beta number of just 14. It's likely this is just another chemical pregnancy. If you don't know what that is, please google it.
One more blood test on Saturday morning to see if it's increasing.
Not sure how to explain what I'm feeling. It's not good.
I wish I could better express how I felt this afternoon when Dr. D gave me those results, but it's really hard to explain. On the one hand, there's that part of me that didn't want to be disappointed and/or devastated once again, so I remained cynical about my chances all along. But another part of me, the bigger part of me, was very hopeful all along and was hoping and praying for a nice big beta number. One that would let me breathe a sigh of relief and feel somewhat confident about this pregnancy.
So, part of me said, "Well, there you go. Another failure. What did you expect?"
And the other part of me just felt stunned and sad. How could this fail? I did everything right. Those embryos were practically perfect. Dr. D said he thought I had an excellent chance of success.
I also felt anger toward Michael for not being here, and for delaying our marriage to the point where my fertility was on its last legs. I know that's wasted energy, but I'm just being honest. It doesn't change my love for him, and if he were here he would take responsibility for that. If he were here, I probably wouldn't care quite so much either. I would have him and that would be enough and/or it would leave us more options than I have on my own.
Then I thought about the frozen sperm and doing another IVF cycle. That's going to take a lot more consideration.
Then I got on the Intenet and found several sites (forums and message boards) where other women shared their pregnancy success stories despite having betas as low or lower than mine.
So, this evening I'm feeling slightly more hopeful. There is still a chance that Saturday's blood test will have a higher number. The doctor is looking for it to double between now and then.
I've got a small army of people praying for me. I believe in the power of prayer. Even though I feel discouraged, I will choose to remain hopeful and continue praying for Saturday to bring better news.