Thursday, July 8, 2010

Beta Results

Very low beta number of just 14. It's likely this is just another chemical pregnancy. If you don't know what that is, please google it.

One more blood test on Saturday morning to see if it's increasing.

Not sure how to explain what I'm feeling. It's not good.


Update:

I wish I could better express how I felt this afternoon when Dr. D gave me those results, but it's really hard to explain. On the one hand, there's that part of me that didn't want to be disappointed and/or devastated once again, so I remained cynical about my chances all along. But another part of me, the bigger part of me, was very hopeful all along and was hoping and praying for a nice big beta number. One that would let me breathe a sigh of relief and feel somewhat confident about this pregnancy.

So, part of me said, "Well, there you go. Another failure. What did you expect?"

And the other part of me just felt stunned and sad. How could this fail? I did everything right. Those embryos were practically perfect. Dr. D said he thought I had an excellent chance of success.

I also felt anger toward Michael for not being here, and for delaying our marriage to the point where my fertility was on its last legs. I know that's wasted energy, but I'm just being honest. It doesn't change my love for him, and if he were here he would take responsibility for that. If he were here, I probably wouldn't care quite so much either. I would have him and that would be enough and/or it would leave us more options than I have on my own.

Then I thought about the frozen sperm and doing another IVF cycle. That's going to take a lot more consideration.

Then I got on the Intenet and found several sites (forums and message boards) where other women shared their pregnancy success stories despite having betas as low or lower than mine.

So, this evening I'm feeling slightly more hopeful. There is still a chance that Saturday's blood test will have a higher number. The doctor is looking for it to double between now and then.

I've got a small army of people praying for me. I believe in the power of prayer. Even though I feel discouraged, I will choose to remain hopeful and continue praying for Saturday to bring better news.

20 comments:

  1. I am so sorry, I will keep praying.

    Love, Jodi

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am sorry the news was not better. Keep the faith, it is not impossible to be PG with those numbers.

    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am not ready to give up home on this Joannah, I'm just not.

    I wish it has been more positively positive, and it sucks extra to be in this limbo. I cannot pretend to imagine what you are feeling, In only know that with every breath, I'll be praying for your little one or ones to hang in there.

    Sending big love and, as always, wish that had the power to make things better.
    XOXOX
    Kate

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, lil' J - and i'll bet that you've got quite the battalion of prayer warriors that aren't going to give up hope for this Beta going up-up-up!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. your army just got larger as I join them in prayer...

    In my thoughts,
    Michele

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am going with the power of prayer!! You are in my contined thoughts and prayers!!
    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  7. Praying Saturday brings you better news...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mine was in the teens with Lucy. And my doctor wasn't concerned...it was just "you're pregnant, but it's early." And I was past my expected period, so it wasn't THAT early. So stay strong and keep hoping...I know I will!
    Sara

    ReplyDelete
  9. YOU have A LOT of people praying for you ..
    I have POSITIVE vibes my friend..
    I LOVE YA..
    Hugs..
    Try and keep your spirits up ..

    ReplyDelete
  10. More positive thoughts and prayers are coming from Ohio! Hugs...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Joannah, My heart breaks for you that this news wasn't as hopeful as you expected, yet I choose to remain hopeful for you. Medical intervention can only take one so far; at this point, devine intervention steps in to take over! I will continue to cover you in prayer in the upcoming days and ask God for your #'s to be improved on Saturday. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ugh for you to be in this limbo. I can't recall how many days post transfer your beta was. Regardless, all you can do is wait until tomorrow to see what that brings.

    In the meantime, one thing at a time. Many, many folks pulling for levels to double or more.

    ReplyDelete
  13. My verse for you is Joshua 1:9, sending prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks for your honesty. I'm praying hard for those numbers to go up, up and up!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Praying for a higher number today Joannah. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sweet Joannah--
    I am thinking of you in this moment, and praying with all of my heart that today's numbers will be excellent.

    thank you for posting the update- and for your wonderful honesty.
    wishing you all the best today and always,
    love,
    kate

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! Reading your comments is one of the rewarding aspects of blogging.