Saturday, August 7, 2010

Five Months

Today it's been five months since Michael went home. I can hardly believe it's been that long already. Time flies even when you're not having fun.

Grief is not about time standing still.

Michael is continually in my thoughts as he has been for so many years.

Grief is not about forgetting.

Sometimes I'm still incredulous that this is my reality. How can this be? It doesn't seem possible.

Grief is not easy to wrap your head around.

I wake up each morning with a bit of anxiety or disappointment that I'm still here, that I'm going to have to live through another day without Michael. It doesn't last long. I try and take those anxious and disappointed feelings to the Lord in prayer right away.

Grief is not just present in the darkness.

I long to go home myself. Please don't be distressed about that confession. It is very normal for grieving people to feel that way. I know the number of my days has been determined by the Lord, and I respect that. But I do look forward to the glory of Heaven, being in the presence of the Almighty God, a happy reunion with Michael, and to finally be set free from the troubles of this life. This isn't all there is, and losing Michael and drawing closer to God have given me a different perspective than I had before.

Grief can help you see what's eternal.

In the meantime, I do have things I want to experience. Of course, I'd love to get pregnant as a result of this next IVF. There's nothing more I'd like to do than spend the rest of my life watching Michael's children grow. I think that would bring a lot of joy back into my life.

Grief can't keep you from enjoying your future unless you give it the power to do so.


  1. I understand 110% what you are saying from your heart! Those of us still on earth long for the glories, pure joy and peace of Heaven - and of course, to be with our loved ones. I also agree we have our appointed time and we have our worldly lives to live until then. It is not easy, but we are not alone. The Lord is carrying us! He carries you, sweet Joannah, today and each day as HE knows your heartache and your longing. He knows the desires in your heart. It is so hard to see it now, but I really believe that there are big things ahead. I love the saying that God has even bigger dreams for us than we can possibly dream for ourselves. I send you hugs and prayers and understanding... :) Sarah

  2. Praying that this next cycle is the one that brings you the child(ren) you long for.
    Grief takes time and we move forward one day at a time.

  3. It sure seems longer than five months. Thank you for sharing such honest feelings. So many people are afraid to say these things, yet most feel them after losing a loved one. I will be praying that the Lord's will be done with your next IVF cycle but that He gives you a baby.

  4. Oh, hard to travel this road alone, without your love. I don't know you yet my heart aches for you when I even allow myself to imagine living with your unthinkable loss.

    I do have hope and optimism for your upcoming cycle and can't wait to cheer you on and will your embryos to create life.

  5. This is a beautifully written post, Joannah, and it helps me understand a little bit better what you are going through. I was going to write a response, but Sarah said it all so beautifully! So...ditto to what Sarah said! And when you do get home? Oh, the CELEBRATION!

  6. You have come such a far way in 5 months Joannah, it's amazing to watch you progress and learn from you. There's so much wisdom in your words. I really hope that your time left here includes you mothering Michaels children. Whatever His plan is for, I know you won't be dissappointed. xoxoxoxoxox

  7. Great blog and great post! I have added you to my list of 900 cancer blogs at I also plan to reprint this post on Wednesday Aug 11, with two links to your site as well as a link to the original post. You may see an increase in traffic to your site. Please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your blogroll. Take care, Dennis


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